It has been over a month since I blogged. I haven't really had anythingto say.
Mehki turned 2 on the 27th of September.

We go on holiday in 4 weeks time.

I am nearly 22 weeks pregnant.

We are having another boy.

Everything seems to be going really well at the moment. I've had a few issues with low blood pressure, which isn't much fun having to lay down and put my feet up randomly.

Will try to remember to blog more ofton.

*sigh*

Ky and I have just been sick for 4 days with what I would call the flu. Hot/cold sweats, high temps, aching body, headaches, you name it.
I am just starting to get better, although have limited hearing in my left ear for some reason, my head is still stuffy and I don't have a whole lot of energy. Now Craig seems to be getting it. Bugger, I feel for the poor bugger having to go to work if he feels anywhere near as bad as I did!
I cooked a roast chicken for lunch, it was nice to actually feel like eating again. It's the first meal I've eaten in days, I had to eat to get Craig off my back, blah blah blahing about not eating properly not being good for me, I know he's right, but obviously he doesn't understand what it's like when your sick because he rarely ever gets sick. I'm making a shephards pie for dinner so that should be nice too.
The good news is I have 1.2 kilos to lose to break the 90 kilo barrier, it has been SOOO long since I was under 90 kilos. I would be freakin' stoked if I could get down to 86 kg's, that's what I was when I delivered Ky 2 years ago.
I think once all this flu is gone I will be really putting in an effort to lose some weight, instead of gaining it.
I'll be 17 weeks tomorrow, scan is booked for 2 weeks time, can't wait!

You know that nuresy rhyme, ring a ring a rosie, then we all fall down.

Well that's how I feel, except I always fall down, and I really don't have the strength to get back up again.

It went something like this.

How my glorious day panned out.

First up
-Found out my Nan has lung cancer just after lunch. Wonderful.

Then
-I accidently put my hand through a glass door, it appears you are supposed to open the door before you push it.

And then
-Mehki was trying to take his nappy off, and indicating that he wanted to go to the toilet. So I took his nappy off and sat him on the toilet and low and behold he did a pee!! yay!

Feeling happy to be alive!

I have to post today.
Today has been such a lovely peaceful day.
The kids have barely argued.
I haven't yelled, nor have I needed to yell because my kids have behaved themselves so nicely.
Leeara has been an absolute delight today, and if I could have one day a week like this with her, then I would be in heaven. Bless her soul, honestly.
There have been so many days lately where I haven't wanted to be alive, let alone a parent with two dependant young children, and today all those days seem to have washed away, and all I can see is the bright light at the end of the tunnel (in a good non dead way!)

If this is what starting to feel better feels like, then I am bloody looking forward to it.

P.S Our decks nearly finished, will post pics probably tomorrow.

leave me alone

What more can these leeches suck out of me?
I don't get a minutes fucking peace to collect my thoughts, it's all wash this, clean that, break up fights, pick up shit off the floor, feed the critters, and then I get a fucking phone call saying can you cook me something for lunch? Do I look like a walking buffet? I can't be fucking bothered feeding myself so I go hungry let alone have to do the kids breakfast and lunch, and then your lunch, and then tea. Yes I know you don't expect lunch everyday but FUCK ME
You people are going to suck the life out of me.Literally.

Changes

So after nearly 2 years on our room. I've kicked the little boy out. He's now in with his sister in a single bed, and so help him if he doesn't sleep all night!
I am also at the point where I am seriously considering gaffa tape to keep his nappy on, I think Craig thinks I'm joking! But I am so not!

It's going to be nice to have our room, and our bed back to ourselves. I just hope it all goes as I intend.

We also cleaned out the kids room, they have fuck all toys left now. I am sick to death of toys being strewn all over the floor, and it's NOT because they are playing with them. So now they have
-toy kitchen
-pram
-few dolls
-few trucks
-a ball
-and a couple of other small things

Funnily enough they have played together this afternoon, and actually played with the stuff in their room! It's going to make cleaning their room a breeze, but I still can't help but feel a tad mean about taking all their toys away! LOL

I am feeling pretty good at the moment. Things between Craig and I are fantastic, the more time we spend together, the more we bond and connect. And I am so in love at the moment :)

I have my first dentist appointment in 7 years this week, that is going to be interesting! I bet I have 60 thousand cavaties!

I have also been selling heaps and heaps of nappies lately, it's been awesome! I think the minkee nappies are going to be a HUGE hit!

I'll be 14 weeks tomorrow, 5 weeks until my 19 week scan which I am soo looking forward too, and 12 weeks until our holiday, I am looking forward to that even more!

Nothing really planned for this week, do up a few brochures to try and get some more nappy business, and I really want to do some baking this week. We went shopping today and food has gotten so expensive! So I will be baking our own bread this week, it's not hard, I just really need to get back into it, and I would like to make some biscuits. This week I'd also like to get some exercise. But I won't set any standards yet. Will update on my progress later.

Have a good week!

frazzled mummy

Dear son,
Please for the love of god stop taking your nappy off and wee'ing on the floor. even worse than that is the nuggets you drop on the floor. Seriously gross love.
So I've dragged your potty out, in future please deposit all surprises in there for mummy or we are seriously going to come to blows at some point.
Whilst we are at it. No more wee'ing in the fridge. In fact stay out of the fridge, I'm sick of you grabbing the butter and eating it straight from the container. Leave the cupboards alone because I'm sick of the mess you make. Stay out of the freakin' pantry, if you are hungry just ask me dammit, it's not like I don't feed you!!
Oh and this whole gotta sleep not 2mm from my Mum allllllllllll night has got to stop, you bloody snore! And manage to connect every limb you own with some part of my body, I'm sick of midnight slaps in the face, and your little feet in my bumcrack, not cool kid!
Oh and whilst we are at it, stop trying to suck on my boobies, you scare the beejesus out of me boy! Especially since when you did get ahold of my nipple you bit me.

-One very frazzled mummy signing off now.

I'm so grumpy

I am so fucking grumpy today.

I wish Craig hadn't gone golfing, Actually I don't care that he's gone golfing I wish he'd taken the brats with him, I'm grumpy and short tempered and don't feel like being mumsy at the moment.

I wish Craig would be more consistent around the house. I'm sick of being the one doing all the cleaning.

Pull your fucking weight or I'm going to do my fucking nut.

This is the part where I'm supposed to be excited because we booked a holiday to surfers paradise, the holidays paid for it's just the spending money we now need to save. Fuck knows how we will do that on one income, our personal loan funds that are supposed to do our bathroom and deck are slowly being depleted. Fuck. I'm trying to fucking hard not to spend money, so fucking hard, so why the fuck are the funds depleting.

Not fucking happy.
Told you I was in a bad mood today.

-The whinger (who has managed to get a couple of weeks in a row of taking her AD, missed last night though, fuckit)

There is something wrong with me

I am exhausted.
I am grumpy.
I am irrational.
I can't sleep.
I have a constant headache.
I have no motivation.
I don't want social contact, just give me a warm dark corner away from everyone thanks.
I have an unpredictable and violent temper, and a foul mouth.

There is something wrong with me.

Just fuck off

I feel like I'm about to explode.

I feel so angry. I haven't been sleeping real well and yesterday I had the shakes.
This morning I felt down down down and had a cry about nothing.

I wish everyone would just fuck off and leave me the fuck alone.

What to do?

Ugh.
Leeara is so frustrating at the moment and I'm finding it REALLY hard to like her :(
She yells at me, has the attitude of a 14 year old, and is generally just an unpleasant little girl.
I can sit down with her to do something, and whilst we are doing it she is always talking about the next thing we are going to do! It's like no matter what I do, it's NEVER enough.
I don't know how to combat this.
She plays up at bed time, so much so I gave her a fucking dummy tonight to shut her up. She went to sleep straight away. Why is my 4 year old so insecure that she needs a dummy to settle? What am I doing wrong? She never used to be like this, she was an absolute angel.
I really feel a lot of her behaviour is to do with Ky, but I just don't know where to start somedays. But I have to start somewhere. So what to do?
What is making my little girl so unhappy? I worry that she is unwell, she has been pale lately, and complaining of a lot of ailments, it's hard to tell whether these ailments are real or attention seeking *sigh* I fear that she is desperately unhappy :( I don't want her to be unhappy.
I do however wish that she would go and play on her own. I wish that she would go and play outside during the day when I tell her too.
I feel like I'm going in circles with her..
So this is where I'm going to start.

-Limit TV time to two shows in the morning. From 9-10am. The darn TV has been on from anywhere between 6-7am until 11 lately, and I am not happy with that.

-Limit my computer time. I've been spending far too much time on here AGAIN. HOW do I get sucked into it? For gods sake, reading how to be a good parent is just stupid, I should be putting it into practice.

-Every morning, spend some writing time with Leeara. It doesn't matter whether it's 10 minutes, but she needs that time. Any suggestions on how to get that time with her when Ky is running around though? He is not likely to go off and play by himeself if I am sitting at the table with Leeara.

- Read her a book EVERY SINGLE DAY. Yes I said it. I am one of those slack parents who rarely reads to her children, and I don't doubt that's because the TV is ALWAYS on, and the computer is ALWAYS on. Why why why am I so damn selfish?

-Give her an extra 15 minutes two on one time every night before bed. Tv off, and playing a came of some sort. She loves playing guess who, and is getting quite good at it! She also loves to play go fish, so I better get a hold of some cards.

I'm sure there are more things, but that's just a starting point. I'm going to trial those things this week and I'll come back later during the week and write about how it's going. Hopefully it will have a positive effect on her behaviour.

So I've been thinking a lot lately about shopping locally.
I'm thinking of all the things I can source that are made locally. But I wondered, does it matter if it's made locally, but the raw ingredients aren't all local? For example the flour mill in Launceston sells bulk 10kg or 25kg bags of flour, but I highly doubt the wheat would be grown in Tassie. Obviously raw ingredients and then made locally are the best options but you can't really have the best of both worlds here in Tassie LOL.

Next up is meat. I know we eat way to much meat, but my vegetarian cooking skills are dodgy. I need to learn to cook more meals without meat. My problem is I cook with a lot of veggies and I worry that it just won't be as nice if I just left the veggies out. For example if I cook a chicken curry I might use 600g of chicken breast, red/green/orange capsicum,mushrooms, onions, carrots and zucchini. Most of my meals I bulk up like this, and I usually have enough leftoever to feed a small army! So I can source beef and lamb and pork that is local. Like the beef in our local butchers, is the same ones you drive past to go to work, that's how local they are! The butcher has his own slaughterhouse (I hate that word!) The pork comes from the butchers brothers, although I'm not really that fond of pork. And the lamb comes from this area too.
Chicken on the other hand isn't something I can source locally. I can source Tasmanian chicken at best but I don't know how that rates on the local scale, which is a shame. The other downside to buying the local meat is that it is a lot more expensive than buying meat from the supermarket, which if you cut back your meat consumption is okay, but if you don't it's no good because it skyrockets your food bill. *sigh* So many changes to make, so overwhelming!

Other things I can source locally. Honey,raspberry/apricot and strawberry jam. Potatos, pumpkins, apples, pears, eggs, I could probably source raw milk from the local dairy farmers if I approached them. I have access to parsnips, carrots, cabbages.

However one thing I am really surprised about is the stuff that our local woolworths sells that is bought locally. A lot of it is Tasmanian produce, and some of the produce is even bought from the town it is in!

So now that I've had a good think about it, there is quite a lot of stuff that I have access too locally! You should try and find out too, I bet you would be surprised!
The only thing that worries me is buying local can cost more, and a lot of people are already on a small limited budget.

Boring confessions

It's been 4 days since my last confession.

I confess that I've hit a slump, and I must must must start taking my medication again or things aren't going to be pretty.

My Mum (bless her soul) offered to have the kids overnight last night. So Craig and I went to the movies. We saw Hancock, it was a pretty good movie. It was great to have some timeout together

I put $112 worth of petrol in my car O M G. The last lot was $90 and lasted me nearly 8 days. This lot I'm going to try and stretch out to 10 days, but not going anywhere, except netball on Saturday. *sigh* what a bloody waste of money!

I've been thinking seriously about our garden, and I can't wait for the warmer weather so I can get out there and do some digging and some planting. But for now I've ordered a book form the library on growing in cold climate areas.

Stupid brain

Sometimes I don't know what's worse.
The fact that I can't look at a razor with the intended use in mind. Or the fact that said razor has a stupid safety thing on it so you can't cut yourself. How fucking ironic.

Now it's confession time, I haven't been remembering regulary to take my AD.

I've had two mini fights with Craig and now I'm feeling teary, cutty and angry and sad. It's been a few weeks since I've taken it regulary.

Right now being me fucking sucks.

Not again

I am so god damn tired.

mehki started crying at 12 last night. Why the heck he was crying I had no idea. I ended up getting cranky and giving him panadol. He screams for a drink, so I give him a drink and he throws it away. I'm sure it's a temper tantrum. And well I hate thos things at the best of times, let alone in th emiddle of the night. Seriously boy, give it up already, you are nearly 2, and sleep is GOOD despite what your little body and brain must think.

I need sleep. And soon.

It's going to be a looong day!

Oh My God.

My son is about to be adopted out to the nearest silliest enough person who thinks he will eventually turn good.

He woke at 3am this morning, I put him in my bed. He woke at 4am this morning and was screaming and throwing tantrums. I'd like to know who told him 4am is an acceptable time to be throwing tantrums? I ended up losing my temper with him and turning the lights off and let him lay on the floor chucking a paddy. *grumble grumble*
Eventually he realised that I had gotten him a drink and he drank that and layed back down, but he bugger arsed around for ages, and here we are at 6:20am and he hasn't been back to sleep.
My God. I am so freakin' tired. He is not sitting at my feet hurling textas all over the floor. How the hell am I going to cope with a newborn and this boy of mine? I bet the next kid will be a boy too.

We took Leeara and my nephew to see Kung Fu Panda yesterday, that wasn't a bad movie. Although I seriously doubt I will go again, it cost us $49 just for the tickets, and then $23 for popcorn and drinks! $72 just to go to the bloody movies. Then of course you are looking at at least $20-$25 fuel to get there, and then we had maccas on the way home. It was a great day,but the tightarse in my is coming out, and I just think what a waste of over $100 for the day :(

I have a feeling I am in for a looooooooong day!

Thanks everyone

I had a stack of washing. I'm the only person I know who can have every single chair in the loungeroom covered in clean washing. I suck at keeping up with the washing.
My cousin came to visit today, and we had a great chat about heaps of things, then all of a suddren she got all motivated and said let's clean up. So we did. Gawd that woman is ruthless, she threw out all me little precious bits of paper that have rooooly important things written on them, (but I just can't remember what that is at the moment). She helped me fold all the washing and get some of it put away, yes that's right I have an entire couch that is available for sitting! For those who know me, you either move the washing or sit on it!
Bless her.

I feel realllllly good today. I've had bugger all morning sickness today, and my sinus problem seems to have cleared. It's nice to have an apetite again! It's nice to be able to eat without a wave of nausea coming over me. Maybe my life is looking up? :)

Sally- Thanks for your comments about my pregnancy, I have suck mixed feelings about whether it is or isn't the right thing to do, what you said made me feel optimistic.

Amoir- Thank you for the email offer, I will take you up on that one day I'm sure.

You know it really is quite funny the amount of support I've drawn from this blog, I've suprised myself with the amount of people who left such supportive comments, that have ofton brought tears to my eyes. I've suprised myself in that I've swallowed my pride and opened my heart to the www, it can be such a daunting thing that is easily thrown up in your face.

So thank you too all you lovely people who've left me comments. I know I haven't replied to each of you, but I really do appreciate you taking the time to send me well wishes and other encouraging words. So despite thoughts on internet hugs, have a great big internet bear hug from me!

It's been a while

I just realised that I haven't taken my anti depressant for 2 days.

Now I feel nervous, and worried.. I'm sure I'll be fine, I'll get back to taking it in the morning.

So it's been a while since I've updated. A few times I've came here, and had a complete mental blank about what to write. This could be a good thing, it means that I have nothing on my mind, and that I am obviously coping with whatever is going on on any particular day.

I've known for a few weeks that I'm pregnant again. We'd been trying for a while, but I honestly didn't think that it would happen when it did. I feel guilty, to say the least, it's bad bad timing that's for sure. I feel apprehensive. I feel like a big phony.

But I am excited, and I've been thinking a lot about something someone said to me 'Maybe this baby was sent to save you'

And well, maybe they're right :O) I'll be 8 weeks tomorrow, and due 9/2/09

Feeling a bit better

So yesterday I felt hopeful. I could see some light at the end of the tunnel. For the first time in ages I didn't feel like Iresented my kids. I didn't dread the thought of having to make them breakfast. My patience seems to have expanded, don't get me wrong there is still miles of room for improvement, but this is surely a hopeful sign.
My head doesn't feel so jumbled, I can process my thoughts logically, and I don't feel so bogged down.

I'm not cut out for this

I feel so blah.
I cannot get motivated.
My son is annoyingly naughty. He keeps getting into the fridge and getting things out, he just gets into everything, truth be told, he is driving me fucking crazy. He keeps climbing out of his cot when he is damn tired and needs a sleep. He keeps biting his sister, hitting his sister and annoying her.
My house is trashed, it's almost all back together, but the task of cleaning it up and putting it back into order is such a huge task I'm overwhelmed and can't do it.
Both kids have been sick for the past 3 days. I'm running on little sleep, so I'm tired, and grumpy, and angry, and unmotivated and generally feeling so very blah.
I haven't gotten dressed for 3 days, I just shower and put my jammies back on.
It's raining and windy and miserable outside.
The cartoons finish soon, and the prospect of having to entertain Leeara is not a good one.
Yes I am a terrible Mum. I'm not cut out for this life.

Lost It

I broke down at work today. I was feeling off yesterday and just broke down at work today, I left after only being there for 30 minutes. I had to go to my cousins and wait until Craig finished work, I didn't trust myself to come home alone.
Life is just overwhelming. I cannot cope with the fast pace of everything around me, and I feel like I am sitting at the side of the road watching the cars go by, just hoping someone will stop and pick me up.
Will I ever be truly better, or is this all in my head? Because I feel crazy.

Blah Blah Blah

Ever feel like you are just coasting along in blah blah land? That's how I feel. It's like I'm not sad anymore, but I'm nothing. I feel nothing. I feel dead inside. I feel no joy, no pain, no anger, no resentment, no happiness. It's like a part of me has died when I started taking these happy pills. I feel no sense of direction with my life, I cannot for the life of me look to the future and see me in my future. I just don't know.
Maybe it's just my sub conscious attacking myself because secretly I resent having to take anti depressants. I can see this is just a stupid vicious cycle, and unless I change my way of thinking I will never get better. But where the heck do I start? How do I start? I'm such a bloody pessimist, that I've probably been doomed from the start.

There could be light

So today I feel....ok. Up until todays things have been all go, so I haven't really had a chance to think about anything, I've just been popping my pill and going on my not so merry way.
But today I am home with the kids with nothing planned, except a nice roast lunch, we could all do with a decent feed of veggies.
I feel very flushed in the face, and I have a strange headache in my head that makes me feel vague and not with it. My stomach is upset, and I keep running to the toilet.
The kids are driving me to the drink (well not really it is only 9am!) with their arguing. I think I might take them to visit a friend so they can get out of the house, the weather outside isn't looking promising.

Looks like theres hope for me after all, I'm only on day 6 and I can see a tiny light at the end of the tunnel.

Day 3 of the happy pills

Okay, so today is day 3 on the happy pills. I have been less tearful, but truth be told, we've done some major renovations to this house in the last two days so I haven't had any time to feel sad. Next time we get the bright idea to knock out a wall that needs 2 major support beams to keep the roof over our head, please smack me upside the head. Waking up at 6am to powertools all over the floor is not my idea of fun. Oh and to the moron who built my house and thought that insulating it with little foam balls was a good idea, YOU ARE A MORON!

So here's the dirt on the heavy stuff:
I don't feel so heavy and bogged down, I don't have that lingering headache that I've been too afraid to take panadol to cure. Not that I don't trust myself, it's just that the thought of taking pills my body is rejecting with a strong gag reflex. Oh and the physical ill that I felt hours after taking the panadol is still fresh in my mind.
I feel a bit calmer, and a bit less sad.
I am hoping and praying that the anti depressants work, whoever knew that depression could be so debilitating? Although I must admit that I resent the fact that I'm going to rely on pills to make me happy. But I'll deal with that later, first obstacle is regaining some control of my brain and regulating my thoughts. Doing this it should help me put an end to the pain I'm feeling, but in a manner that keeps me alive.

Reflections of hard times

For the record. I am writing this so that I can look back and reflect on what I went through. This is not a plea for help, nor am I seeking attention or sympathy, I am writing ths as part of the recovery process. I feel it's important that I write this while I still feel dysfunctional so that in a few weeks time when I am thinking 'Maybe I just made all that up' I can look back and know that I felt WAS real. I am writing this so that if I ever start to feel so low again that I can look back on what I've written and idenfity with myself that things are getting bad, and send Craig the signals he needs, so that he can get me the help I need but cannot ask for. This is a painful thing to write, it's hard to admit when you need help, and so if it appears jumbled that's because my thought process is jumbled.

I haven't updated since last Tuesday after I made that last post. Looking at it now I can see how desperate I was feeling. I was just hanging out until I could see my Dr. I knew that once I had seen her that I would be able to think clearly again. Instead somehow I fucked up my appt time at missed it by 30 minutes. And although I told them it was urgent that I see her, and that I was desperate they still refused me. I sent Craig in, I couldn't handle another rejection, they refused him too despite him saying to the receptionist that I really badly needed to see GP because I was depressed.
From that point on, things when from bad to worst. I felt like no one cared, no one understood and no one wanted to understand. I felt angry at Craig because he should KNOW that I desperately needed help and that he should have fucking done something about i, I felt like he'd let me down. I felt angry because I felt that secretly my GP and the receptionist girls thought I was making it up and that I'd get over it. Of course looking back now, Craig didn't know how bad things had turned, he had no idea I'd gone so far. And of course the receptionists didn't know either.
Circumstances changed and I drove Craigs car home, and he took the van and took a mate home. I came home, went to the toilet and put wood on the fire. My SIL rang to tell me I could go and stay with her if I needed some time out, I think she was secretly trying to make sure I was okay because she knew Craig had taken J home. I hung up, looked online for a friend to talk to as a distraction. No one was online so I wrote Craig a short letter
I love you guys
It's not your fault
It's better this way
Ara- You are my princess who I never gave what you deserved
Frog- You are going to grow up into an awesome young man
Craig- You are a great guy who deserves so much better <3

Theb I took 20 panadol I had planned on taking the whole packet of 100 but I couldn't take anymore because they weren't caplet ones and they were hard to swallow, and all the water I needed to swallow them was making me feel bloated and swishy. I went to lay down, I wanted to rest, I wanted to sleep, I wanted the pain to stop. I had an appointment booked with my GP for the 27th of May and I couldn't bear the thought of having to carry on feeling like this for another 3 weeks to get the help that I knew I so desperately needed.
Then the phone rang. I was cross, because I was just starting to get all warm and dozy in bed. It was my GP, my SIL had been concerned about me, and rang and demanded to talk with my GP who in turn rang me immidiately.
We talked for a while, but I was tired and not feeling like talking. I couldn't bear to tell her that I'd taken panadol, i didn't want her to know, I didn't want her to panic, I just wanted her to leave me be so I could go to sleep before Craig got home. She asked me if I'd taken anything and I said just some panadol. Craig arrived and I gave him the phone, he found out what had happened and what he had to do now. He yelled at me to get out of bed, and dragged me up from the bed telling me to get in the fucking car and why did I fucking do that. I bawled and bawled. I felt terrible but he was making me feel so much worse. In hindsight I can see that he was angry at himself for letting me come home alone, and he was yelling at me because he was scared.
We met his Mum halfway and swapped cars and went straight to the GP's office. She came out to meet me and sent us up to the hospital to get some charcol and some maxalon.
Then we drove the hour trip to the city hospital to get my panadol levels checked. We spent 7 hours in the emergency ward waiting on blood test results with me falling in and out of sleep and feeling veyr nauseas. I vomited a couple of times. I was hooked up to machines to check my heart rate. Thankfully the blood tests came back okay, I hadn't fucked my liver. (Who knew that panadol could fuck your liver, then shut it down and then you die?)
Then I had to see the mental health team before I was released. They were two lovely ladies who didn't make me feel worse than I already did. I felt terrible for putting Craig through that, he was genuinely scared. I felt physically ill from the effects of the panadol. I was mentally exhausted from 3 days worth of depression build up and hours of crying. The mental health team assessed me as okay to come home. Our rural GP on call was unhappy with this diagnosis but this meant nothing I was still able to come home. I knew that my GP had wanted to admit me to the local hospital for some R&R but I didn't know what I was supposed to do about it. So we arrived home at midnight. My MIL was here, and Ky woke at 5:30.
I was lost for the next two days. I didn't feel so low but I still felt out of sorts. It felt wrong to be at home with my kids. I didn't feel that I was up to looking after them. I took 2 days off work, and then had a few days rostered off. I had expected that my doctor would call me, but she didn't, I still feel disappointed about that.
Wednesday afternoon, a psych rang me I have an appt with her Wednesday. We had a good chat, but everything felt so surreal, was it really just 12 hours ago that I was in the hospital attached to a million different machines? Thursday I got Craig to make an appointment with my GP for Friday. I went to see her, and Craig came with me, thank god for him being so supportive. He offered to come with me so that he can know what's going on inside my head that I can't even talk to him about, it's not that I don't want to, it's because I literally can't. He's offered to come to the next few appointments too so that he can be up to speed with what's going on, it will also give him a good insight as to what signs to look for when I need help. I know now that he will stick up for me when I need help but can't ask for it. My GP thinks that a combinatoin of how I was treated(by the same receptionists) with my early miscarriage coupled with the miscarriage itself has sent my hormones out of whack, amongst other things of course. I can't really remember what we talked about for that hour. I remember her apoligising for the receptionists behaviour and promising me that it wouldn't happen again. I remember her saying that had she known I was in trouble and needed her to bad she would have been there to help me in an instant. I remember the 3 of us talking about devising a plan to send Craig the signals to get me help without me having to come out and say "Hey I'm feeling suicidal again" I remember her telling me that she was really worried about me and on the fax she sent through to the ER has had recomended that I be commited to ward 1E. She told me that when she came out to the car park to see me she was really worried because when she'd told me that she had to send me through to town I hadn't argued, and she could see in me that I just didn't care and didn't have any energy left in me to fight.
That's all I can write for now, I still feel mentally exhausted, not to mention confused, anti social, and pretty much lacking in the life department. I don't feel like cleaning, and I don't have much energy to look after the kids right now. I guess I can only hope that this doesn't last too long.

Welcome Back

And what a happy welcome back to me this will be.

I hate myself, and everything I do. I hate the parent I am, I hate the pessimistic whinger that I am. I hate my physical self, I hate the friend that I am, and I hate the girlfriend that I am. So to sum it all up I hate myself entirely.
I hate my indecisiveness, and inability to make a decision and stick to it. I hate my lack of patience, I hate my inability to keep the house clean, I hate the fact that I am a yelling smacking type of Mother, yes I said it, I yell and on occasion smack. I hate that, FUCKING hate that.
I hate that Craig doesn't understand WHY I don't feel like looking after my kids at the moment. He doesn't understand that they are better off without me, he would do a much better job raising them on his own, than with me as their mother.
I hate the fact that I have flunked out of study again. I hate the fact that I work a dead end brain numbing job. I hate the fact that my house desperately needs work inside and out I don't have the motivation to do it. I hate the fact that I still FEEL like a size 12, but have the agility of an elephant, and it's not until I try to move (RE sport) or walk past a mirror or reflective window that I actually see what my body really looks like, and it repulses and sickens me.
I hate the fact that cutting makes me feels good, and I fucking resent Craig telling me he will leave me next time I do it. Not only will it not stop me doing it, but at least if he left with the kids they'd all have a better life.

Something I have been pondering for a while

I filled our tarago up today. It cost me $92 people. $92 bloody dollars. The car payment for the bloody thing is only $95 a week! A full tank of fuel will be lucky to last me a week, and I wouldn't say I do any excess driving. I drive to work and back (25kms each way) up to 4 times a week, and to netball training (40kms each way) and netball (40-50kms each way) a week. Every now and then we might make a trip to visit a friend or go to the city (200 kms return trip)

So with that said, I am wondering if we should be seriously considering moving to the town we work in (20 minutes away) to reduce fuel costs and car costs. We HAVE to have one car, Craig drives for a living so there is no avoiding that. But having two lots of car costs is shaping up to a VERY expensive gig. I would estimate it costs us anywhere between $150-200 a week to run both cars (maitenance included) luckily we do have an allowance for Craigs car but to keep a long story short and as uncomplicated as possible, we would have more $$ if we had less running costs.

But we have a small 72K mortgage. Our house needs work, and lots of it, and we live in an area where you could overcapitalise pretty easily, but if we had 30-40K to spend on the place we would probably get our money back.

So my dilemma is this. Do we move to the town we work in? But increase our mortgage by double at least or double and a bit? But then we both work in the same town, cut out commuting time, and travelling costs (would still have to travel to netball) But at least then we could walk anywhere in the town we needed too. Doctors, chemist, playgroups, kinder, etc? I have access to playgroup in the town I live in, and that's about it. We have a pub, a post office, a butcher, and a shop, and a school(primary only), oh and believe it or not, an art gallery LOL!

Do we do it now before fuel prices absolutely sky rocket AND before houses skyrocket more than they already have?
We have lived in this town before and we were a little unhappy, although I think that was because of the house we were living in, and the landlords we had. If it was our own house maybe it would have been different?

Has anyone got any suggestions to help poor indecisive me out? Please?

Building a garden with a purpose?

So today we got in and dug up the weed patch. Yes it was a veggie patch at some point, and we do still have yellow zucchinis growing in there, AND some pumpkins!.

Now we just need to get some seedlings to plan. I really want to get some of the diggers seedlings, the heirloom variety. I am so not interested in buying the ones that have been modified so that they only can grow once, and you can't save any seeds, what a joke!

Also in Tassie, this time of year you can't grow a hell of a lot. It seems we can plant onions, broccoli, cauliflower, and cabbage. We already have more silverbeet than you can poke a stick at, but I really don't know what to do with it all? We worked so hard I have blister on my hand. (Either I'm overworked, or I'm precious, I tend to think the latter!)

I only have to work 15 hours this week, so I should be able to get out in the garden a fair bit and turn it into something special. See we have never had a garden. And to be honest I'm not really into 'pretty' gardens, they have to have a purpose, I don't see the point in having a heap of pretty roses, when all they do is please your aesthetics, I need a garden that will feed us, will nourish us. There are a few plants I am going to have to grow. Boronia and Jasmine for a start, they just have the nicest scents, and make me feel all happy and hippy when I smell them.

So if anyone has any idea of how to plant a garden (not veggie garden) that serves a purpose, AND looks nice, I'd be greatful to hear about it.

Commit to 3 things

Discussions on peak pil and food shortages have had me thinking for the last few days. When will it happen? Will it just creep up on us or will be see it coming? Will our everyday food items become so expensive that they will be out of our reach and not within our budget? Will we begin to see staples like potato as a necessary to fill our empty bellies?
As each day passes I feel more and more committed to doing something longterm both for my family and the environment. So I am going to set myself 3 goals

1) Buy second hand more, and where possible. Pretty self explanatory really, you can ofton pick up great bargains when you shop around second hand.

2) Grow more of our own food. Again self explanatory. It's not that hard to whack a few seeds in the ground and water them.

3) Put more thought into purchases, both big and small. Large purchases I will endeavour to make them as environmentally friendly as possible. Smaller ones I will aim to make them second hand. I will think twice about spending money on what could otherwise be thought of as a 'live saving gadget' (You know, they type you JUST HAVE TO HAVE!)

So I challenge you, set your own 3 goals in an effort to preserve the environment. They don't have to be something major, just small things, but by bit, if we all commit it WILL make a difference :O)

Chemical Pregnancy

I'm not pregnant, it was a chemical pregnancy.

I'm devastated, I felt pregnant, I hate TWO fucking tests tell me I was pregnant. i couldn't keep a secret and told people I was pregnant, and now I have to go and untell people. I feel like such a fucking dumbarse.
If I ever get pregnant again, I'm not telling anyone until I have a baby coming out of my vagina. Truth be told, I don't know if I can keep doing this. One early loss is devastating, I don't know if I could handle any more.

I'm so sad, and I am so numbing that pain with alcohol tonight,

Reflections of the last week

Things I can reflect on from the last week without a computer.

-Keep computer closed, son climbing on computer and wee'ing on it, is a very expensive $175 exercise. One that I do NOT want to participate in again.

-Getting a positive pregnancy test brought the biggest smile to my face for a whole week. Fancy being so blessed to fall pregnant within two months when you have PCOS.

-Starting to bleed Wednesday night. I never would have thought having an early miscarriage could be so fucking devastating. I feel fiercely protective of my baby, I want to keep you dammit, and heaven help anyone who calls it a foetus. It's in MY body therefore I'll call it what I want, and I reserve the right to break your nose if you call it otherwise.

-Waiting for HCG results sucks. Fancy having to wait two freakin days to find out if your pregnancy is still viable. Fuck I hate that word its so clinical and cold. I get the first results today, not that they will tell me much.

-Feeling like your gut feeling was right. Since before I got pregnant I had a bad feeling about this pregnancy, I didn't feel like it would have a positive outcome. I'm not holding onto much hope at the moment I must admit.

-Life without the computer for a week was pretty damn good. Can you believe I had withdrawels? I read a couple of good books (yes in a WEEK!) and feel all inspired and shit to do something with my life.

-Discovering (sort of) what peak oil is all about. Can we say HOLY SHIT BATMAN. I had never considered that oil was in so many of our everyday items. How are we going to cope without it? And why the hell are major coroporations allowed to rape our environment of its natural resources? Why why why do people take the ostrich approach? Why the heck aren't people interested in growing their own food and preserving the environment. Yes I am a hypocrite because we don't grow a lot, so fucking shoot me. I'm working on it.

-Remembering what it's like for me to be so indecisive. Two weeks ago we looked at a block up the bush, 16 acres of rainforest, with 2 cleared acres for offers over 50K. Sounded great until we realised we could only borrow 120K to build with. I don't think 120K is going to build us much, especially when the land needs to be levelled and yadda yadda.
Then not a week later we are looking at a house in 'the city' (far from it, but the cloest to the city out here) and we put in an offer that got rejected. The idea was that with fuel prices rising, it owuld be a good idea to be close to work, and all other amenities.
And well, now I have no bloody idea what I want to do. I change my mind daily, sometimes hourly, and always come up with these great plans, until I realise for some reason why they won't work out.

What the heck do I do next?

Things I have realised

Things that I have learnt or realised this week.

(Today) I am missing out on my kids life. Something has to give, at the moment it's study. I'm deferring on Monday.

(Earlier this week) Just because spawn of the devil is 18 months old doesn't mean he will sleep through the night. And don't think that clinging onto age milestones helps. It doesn't.

That you learn to function on broken sleep, you don't get used to it.

That I am damn proud of me and Craig for not having killed each other due to the stress devil spawn has put on our relationship.

That stacking grocery shelves really sucks and is a mental drain on my few remaining brain cells.

That being a parent isn't as fun as it looks in the movies.

That money sucks, and as soon as we get our shit together I'm not working OR studying. I am going to be a SAHM and enjoy my kids before they are boisterous teenagers and I cannot remember a single thing about their childhood.

ALthough I do realise being a SAHM will bore me to tears, but it will be nice to have play dates, and be able to go to playgroup, and do some cooking and have some actual leisure time. My life feels like it's ALWAYS on fast forward and that sucks.

That I LOVE my new front loader Miele. Yes I paid $2000 for a washing machine, but the thing it so awesome I could breed with it! It uses like 52 litres of water instead of the 122 my old one uses. Can we say WOW. Can you imagine the difference that is going to make to our water usage?

That living in the fast lane isn't for me. I need to knock my life back to simple. Those changes are starting now. They will be small, so small an outsider wouldn't notice them, but I think they will make me happy.

Pre waking musings

I am feeling so tired and so sorry for myself.

Mehki was up last night crying and screaming for Gods knows how long and for god knows why.
Seriously that kid is going to be the death of me.At 12:30 last night, it felt like he had been screaming for hours, nevermind the fact that I'd only been in bed for 3 hours. I gave him a dose of neurofen and another drink and packed the little bugger back off to bed. Craig gave me a wakeup call at 5am, but I was far too tired to stumble out then, so I got another wakeup call at 5:45 when he got to work. Bless Him. (Not really, I want to shake his teeth out for being so reliable!)

I have so much I have to do, but then I got asked to work today. Ugh. I can't say no, we really need the money at the moment, but what about my assignment that is due on Friday? I wonder if I could get an extension until Monday?

AF due today, I tested 2 days ago and it was negative, so I'm not feeling hopeful this month. even though Craig and I were both feeling really good about this month. I have had sore boobs, and felt a smidgen queasy and felt off my food. Not too mention I had some bleeding midcycle that had me stumped as I'd never had it before. Oh well, nothing I can do about it I suppose. But I am sad this was my last chance to have an 08 baby. :O( The worst part is we are both thinking about it all the time, we've even got names picked out, talk about jumping the gun! Ava Violet and Jali Nathaniel :O)

Anyway I have a billion things to do, it's 6:30am and the kids are still in bed, (I've sent Leeara back twice already!) I'll try and sneak in a shower and a couple of other jobs before the demons get up.

:(

I had a really bad afternoon as a parent today, I mean really bad. I don't think things have ever been this bad. I'm not going into details I'm too ashamed.
Needless to say, this is the end of my selfish parenting. No more yelling, No more swearing, and no more 'hang on a minutes, i have to wash the dishes' (Unless they have maggots on them)

Leeara is 4 for goodness sakes, she is going to school next year, I am working 20-40 hours a week, if I don't start making the most of her now, before I know it she will be gone.

Gosh, I'm not the parent I thought and hoped I'd be. It's so hard to try and juggle all these things that life throws my way, the only thing I know is that my kids CAN'T suffer because their Mummy can't get her shit together.

They just Can't.

I don't want for anything

This is something that I have been thinking about a lot lately.

We went to town the day before my birthday and bought a heap of DVD's, then Craig told me that was my birthday present. I thought he was joking. He wasn't. He had told me he wanted to buy me the notebook, because I have been saying for ages that I wanted it, so this was one of the DVD's we bought.
He came home on my birthday with a bunch of tulips from leeara, a bunch of carnations from mehki, and a block of chocolate. And he organised for his Mum to have the kids so we could go out for tea.

SO why did I feel so ripped off? Was his present really that thoughtless? Or have I simply watched too many movies and have come to expect too much?

And then I realised when my Mum asked me for the second time (after my birthday) what I wanted for my birthday. And do you know I can not think of one damn single thing. The ONLY thing I wanted and had said I wanted in the last few months was the notebook, and Craig had that on the to buy list.
Of all the things in the world, I can not think of anything that I'd like. I don't want clothes (although I probably need them) I don't want a new car, or fancy perfume, or $50 worth of bath stuff. I don't want makeup. I don't want for any housy stuff. I rarely wear jewelery.
SO what's a person left to get me? And do I overcome this consumer driven hype that I MUST get a mega expensive birthday present, that costs heaps and will show everyone we have 'the bling' (when we don't, and don't really desire it either!)

All the things I want are not things that can be given. I want more patience, I want to be less pessimistic, I want to be more motviated, I want to be a more healthy weight, I want to be less of an air head and be more concentrated. I want to keep a tidier house and be more garden proud and get my garden into good shape. These are not things that people can give me (bugger!)

So what does a person get when they want for nothing?

Busy Busy!

Netball starts next week, I cannot wait to be back out there getting some regular exercise.

I've been feeling very off colour these last 3 days, very off my food which it totally unlike me, even chocolate doesn't appease me. Everything I eat tastes like kitty litter (albeit unused thank god!) and I am just totally not hungry.Although microwave popcorn is going down a REAL treat!
8 days until I know if I am UTD, 8 long painful days, which will hopefully pass very quickly considering that as above, netball starts, I will probably have to work 5 of those 8 days, AND I have my first uni assignment due in 11, and I haven't even started my readings yet!

It IS on the to do list, truly it is!

Craig only gets public holidays off and weekends, and so today was just great, we bummed about the house and did virtually NO housework or yard work, did our rendition of chilled out parenting (locked the kids outside haha!Okay, not so much as locked but coaxed them outside!) Craig played the PS3, and I read a book. I start this book called "Ma he sold me for a few cigarettes' on Friday night, and I finished it today and then read a book called "Slave"
I had forgotten just house much I LOVED reading! Once I get into it, I find it hard to stop, but why oh why do I choose to read the type of books that are going to break my heart and expose my naive self to what really happens out there in the big wide world?

Ok bed me, I want to get up early, go for a walk, plan my week to include some study and some exercise, and take the kids to do something cheap but fun (We are back in the poor boat until Craig gets paid on Thursday!)

I have a teenage daughter

I am at my wits end with Leeara. She is 4 years old going on 14, and has an answer for EVERYTHING. She is rude, and bossy and tempermental. She whinges at anything and everything and is generally driving me mental. This morning she yelled at me " I just had a good sleep last night and now YOU'VE ruined it"

God Help me, the terrible two's have gone on forever. She better bloody be a well behaved teenager!

How is it?

That when I'm not working I can afford 4 days childcare, but now that I've returned to work, I am going to be out of pocket at LEAST $100 a week with my increased childcare costs and $90 a week in fuel. Truly if you consider the fact that I am doing an unskilled job that any Jo Blow can do, I have to wonder if it's even worth it?

I'll reassess at the end of the financial year I guess, and if it's costing me too much to work, then I won't. I'm hoping to be pregnant soonish anyway, and I doubt I'll be working after I've had #3 :O)

I have a problem

This happens to me every semester. I can't cope with the workload I am putting on myself.
I'm trying to work, and trying to find time to study and semester has only just started and I can't find time to study how the hell am I going to find time in the middle of the semester?
I'm being a terrible Mum. My son woke 3 times last night and I ended up screaming up him. I feel so bad. Why can't he sleep through the night? And to make it bloody worse he screamed for ages, the minute I picked him up and put him down he comes running through the loungeroom with the fucking smirk on his face that just sent me berko.
Why can't the boy sleep.
Somethings gotta give, and if I don't decide soon it's going to be my sanity.

Why am I so indecisive? I've only just gone back to work and now I'mm questioning whether I should be working or not, life as a working mother is hard, and I mean BLOODY hard. I have getting home at 630pm everynight, stupid retail hours. I really want to study, but when I wasn't working I couldn't find the motivation to do it from home, and campus is too far away. I don't know that being a SAHM suits me either. I'm not a motherly person, which makes me sad really. I don't sit down and role play with the kids, I don't get maternal rushes of glee by banging pots and pans together.
I'm a practical, no nonsense, everything has a purpose, teach them lessons type Mum. I'm the sort of mum who puts more effort into preparing where we are going (food, drink, weather appropriate clothes, WHERE we are going) that when we get there I don't chill out with the kids. I rush them off to play on their own so that Mummy can have 5 minutes to collect her thoughts.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Why can't I just decide what I want to do? :(

Wasteful Companies

You know what REALLY annoys me?

Wasteful multi national companies.

Without naming names of course. So if a 3kg bag of sugar gets sliced with a knife prior to being put on a shelf, it is dumped in the bin. :( Not given to the needy, not put in the staff room for the staff to use. Dumped into landfill, what a waste. Did you know that certain large companies had this nappy policy whereby if you bought the wrong size nappies, and returned them for a different size, your original ones GOT THROWN IN THE BIN! This was supposedly a 'precautionary measure' you know in case some put razorblades in the nappies or something.
Are you freakin kidding me? Disposable nappies are a necessity for some people, and SOME people cannot afford them, and perfectly fine packets are being thrown in the BIN.
Staff cannot even buy damaged stock. Meat that goes out of date today cannot be sold, so it gets dumped. Seriously if it was COOKED today imagine how many hungry people that could feed?
Why can't these companies see the damage they are doing to the environment and see their pure gluttonous wasteful ways? It makes me so angry.
Why can't the staff buy the damaged open stock? Because they don't trust them not to 'damage' something so they can buy it.
Now comes the point, what can I do? I am a staff member at one of these stores. I cannot take the stock and distribute it as I see fit, because I will get sacked for stealing. Yes that's right, a ripped packet of lollies will get thrown in the bin, *I* can't eat them, because then I am STEALING from the company.

How the hell are these places allowed to get away with this? Anybody have any ideas on where to begin to rectify this problem?

My kids...

Have have one of those days where your kids just drive you absolutely bonkers, so much so you threaten to leave your other half with the kids and tell him you will happily give him full custody? (To which of course he replied "LIKE HELL, I'll fight you for 50/50!)

Good God, do I REALLY want anymore kids? Can I even cope with anymore kids? Honestly!

The embarassing part is...

Okay, so this is where I confess the REALLY embarassing part from my last post.

When I say cement mixer. I mean one of those small ones. *sheepish grin*
Picture this. The boys needed a cement mixer to put my new clothesline in.
I forgot it was in our yard and just reversed straight into the blasted thing, with an almighty bang. Boo Hoo Hoo,my poor car! AND my poor ego!

The last thing I hit was a parked car when I was trying to pull out of a car park!

Lunatic Driver coming to a town near you

I am so freakin' angry at myself, I just reversed my Tarago into a cement mixer. Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck.

The only two times in my life that I have had an accident are when I have hit a stationary object. How on God's green earth did I ever get a friggin license?

So Mad.

One beer musings

33 hours down, 4 to go. My feet are about to fall off I'm sure of it. My eyes are hanging out of my head. My feet are swollen and aching. My back aches. Every inch of my body aches. Why did I want to go back to work? That's right a little thing called money, so we could have extra of it. Although my childcare fees are going to double, and petrol is going to cost me at LEAST $90 a week. AT LEAST! I keep telling myself, "You are building your super, AND will have extra money" ad keep ignoring the fact that I am doing an unskilled labour intensive job, SOMEONE has to stack shelves right? Or all the rich people wouldn't be able to eat. Right? Yes Amber.
I've set up a contribution of $20 per week to my super, which means as a low income earner the government will contribute quite a bit to my super, okay so $1500 a year might not seem like a LOT, but it's $1500 I wouldn't have had otherwise! Instead of one payment, I get 3 payments. You know you are nerdy when you are 43 years off retiring, and you are getting excited about your super.

What else? I've changed the account my pay goes into, because we don't budget for the money if it goes into my regular bank account, I fritter it away here and there, but never have anything to show for it, but by not having ready access to it, means that I have to put some thought into spending it first. I have a few bills I want to get cleared up, then I want to save some money, and then start funelling some money into our loans. It's hard to be financially dedicated, it's so nice having that extra money, but 12 months of being strict will set us up for life. No joke! We have to renovate the house, make it bigger and do some improvements. That' s it. We have no need to buy anything else, we now have a car that can comfortably fit in more kids. Our debt is under control, and soon we will be paying a stack off our debts, and have them paid off quicksmart, which will mean we will have so much money left over, to save, or pay off the house, or even go on our first family holiday, now THAT would be nice!

Strict, Budget, Lifetime Setup! It is totally achieveable with a bit of dedication.

How?

How on earth am I supposed to find time to study, and clean house, and spend time wth Craig, and be a parent, and play netball, and work 37 hours a week?
I know that I won't have 37 hours everyweek, but gee I really need to get my shit sorted before we are half way into the semester and I've done jack shit, and then panic, and drop out because I've got so far behind I don't think I can catch up.

Plan Amber, Organise Amber. YOU can do this. Relax your standards, Focus on eating properly, exercising, routines, relaxing as a parent, stop and take time to smell the roses. The world will not crumble if I don't fold washing, and trash the lounge room with the kids instead. Stop, and think, plan, and organise.. I CAN DO THIS!

Exhaustion and Insomnia

How on earth can I be suffering from insomnia when I am utterly exhausted to the bone?

Note to self- You NEED to exercise. Start looking after your body.

Flogging a dead horse

I realise that me whinging about the kids grandparents is equivalent to flogging a dead horse.

But I truly cannot get over the fact that it appears these people DO NOT CARE about their Grandkids.

Why can't they offer to take them to the park for a few hours?
Why can't they taken them for a night?
Why can't they offer to have the kids for a weekend?
Why can't they babysit my kids without stipulations such as, "not before X time, and make sure you are home at X time:

Are my kids that much of a burden to you that you don't want to see them?

Yes, I'm emotional, and sad, I've worked all day today and I'm exhausted, and I tend to cry when I'm really tired.

I wish it was as simple as 'they are the ones who are missing out' but it's not. My bloody kids are the ones who are missing out.

I am so happy!

I heard from my best friend today, she is coming home on April 24th! She has only been gone since April last year, she moved to WA in search of the big dollars and an adventure. She found it alright and is now 6 months pregnant!
I was so devastated that I wouldn't get to see her pregnant or go and visit her in the hospital with a newborn baby.
I remember when I had Ky, I had him at 5:45am. I rang my Chloe at 8am because I was bored and needed some entertaining! She came down and spent most of the day with me, bless her cotton socks.
I'm sure this would seem so trivial to some, but I have been praying to the God that I don't believe in that she would be home so I could see her pregnant and see her with a newborn baby.
She has been my best friend since I was born, so nearly 22 years, and I couldn't imagine missing out on such a huge part of her life, when she was there for mine....
Which leaves the question.....maybe there is a God......? *grin*

Unhappy

I feel sick and desperately unhappy.
Why is it, every so ofton I have these mini melt downs.
Nothing makes sense, and everything hurts, I cannot make a simple standard decision without feeling wracked with guilt.

Just between us....

I am excited because I got a new clothesline today *woot* Finally I will have enough room to hang a few loads of washing out, two rails just wasn't cutting it. Pity it's only just in time for the bloody hot weather in Tassie to subside so I can't dry my washing! You know things are dire when you get excited over a new washing line!

But I am preparing for this winter. I have a new clotheshorse (now I have 2) and Craig is putting up some washing line string under our porch so we can dry some clothes under there. I was to use the drier as little as possible this winter. Oh Oh Oh! AND I've already had our first load of wood delivered. Now this might seem strange to you people, but for me this it pure utter organisation, usually I ring the next door neighbour and our conversationg goes like this
Me:" Could I get some wood when you have some spare time please mate?"
Neighbour: "How much do you have?"
Me: (rather sheepishly) "Two pieces"

Then he either brings us a load that day, or if he is too busy he brings us wood from his pile. He is a good neighbour. So in my effort to be organised, and get my entire life in order the wood ordering has started! I plan to order one load a fortnight, and then we shouldn't need to order any for the winter season.

I got out in the garden today, and my lovely neighbours wife came and helped me weed up the side of the house, then we went for a drive to buy some plants. She's going to help me plant them on Saturday. I can't wait to have a garden that looks nice, and a garden that I am proud of! We currently have golden zucchini's growing, so I think I will be making a lot of zucchini slice in the next few weeks. And silverbeet, honestly, what are you supposed to do with a shitload of that stuff? It's tastes atrocious, but I cook it and we eat it for no other reason than that it's good for us. *bleurgh* Our corn is nearly ready to pick, I am so looking forward to that! Our garden this year has been okay, but we haven't had a lof of variety, I can't wait for the next summer season so that we can plant up big and have a higher yield! I bought some broccoli, cauliflower and cabbage seedlings today, I'll be planting those on the weekend too I think.

Okay, well enough boring talk today! Simple things amuse simple minds

Uni starts soon

12 days until uni starts again?
Are you freakin' kidding me?
Am I ready to do this all over again?
Can I commit myself for a 13 week block?
Can I bear the immense strain the study puts on my depleting brain cells? :)
Actually I'm looking forward to it, it's good to give my brain a work out for those 26 weeks of the year............
So here comes the part where I try and get my life organised prior to semester one starting. I've enrolled in 2 subjects, and considering woolworths are all but useless in giving me any hours, let alone guaranteeing me any I am thinking about picking up another 1, maybe 2, but I don't know if I can handle full time study, it's a BIG commitment.
I still have a few days to think about it I guess.

Sometimes I feel sad

I feel sad that my kids don't have the grandparents I'd always hoped they'd had.
My kids will never have the sort of grandparents who take them away for the summer holidays. Or the type of grandparents who take them to the movies, or who rock up unannounced and take them away for the weekend, or the type who look after the kids when I work, or even the type who offer to have the kids so we can go out for a night.
Don't get me wrong, I do NOT expect anyone to look after my kids. But I can't help but feel sad when I think about the special relationship kids have with their grandparents.
I have one grandparent I can ask to have the kids, she rarely says no if we give her notice, but I never really feel as though she wants to look after the kids. PLus I don't like to ask her much because she is usually the only one we ask, and I don't want to overdo it. My Mum on the other hand will take Leeara, but not Mehki, she says she can't handle both at the same time. Sure they are a bloody handful (what kids aren't) but are they that bad she can't have them for 15 hours overnight so we can have some time to ourselves?If she thinks she can't handle them how does she think we feel? We RARELY ever get a break. She makes me sad, because she offers to take Leeara, she rocks up and takes her for a few hours, and my poor darling boisterous boy always gets left behind, and soon he will be big enough to understand this :(

To put things into more simple terms my MIL has the kids overnight once every 2-4 months, and maybe once for 3-4 hours for a day. My Mother hasn't looked after the kids overnight since November 2006, and hasn't looked after both my kids for several months now.
The other thing I hate is that if we want to go out, we are always bloody rushed into coming home. My Mum for example likes us to be as quick as possible, rush rush rush and get home and pick the monsters up, where's the bloody fun in going somewhere when you know you have a tight schedule and have to be constantly thinking 'Is it time to go yet?'
My MIL on the other hand does something similar, but doesn't really say it, just makes me feel like we should rush home the minute we open our eyes.
I will never forget the time my own Mother said to me once (via MSN) "You are always trying to fob your kids off, and you never have them anyway they are always at daycare."
Boy did that sting. I don't know why she is so hung up on how my kids are cared for, I NEVER ask her to bloody look after them.
How could I work, AND go to uni without using daycare? DO I look like a freakin' superwoman?
It's pretty bloody sad when the person you rely on most for help with your kids is your family day carer.
Oh and prime example, I asked Mum tonight to look after the kids on March 1st for the night. And after a long thought of reply got back "I'm not looking after them if you are going to town at like 9 in the morning, I will have htem if you are going at 5 or so"
-Again, don't fucking worry about it, I should have known better than to think I could rely on you....just once.

Yes, I realise I am like a dog with a bone, but I just HAD to get that off my chest.

Never again will I buy so much junk food

I am so bloody cross at myself. I went shopping 8 days ago. I tried to stock up and get a months worth of basics and staples, seeing as Craig get's paid monthly. I was hoping that I would just have to get bread/milk and fruit and veggies a couple of times before the end of the month.
Usually when I go grocery shopping I don't buy things like little packets of chips, tiny teddies, mini kit kats and all that rubbish. This time I did. Why? I have no bloody idea, except that I have been too lazy to cook our own treats, and I thought that I should buy some of those things to pack for Craig's lunch and stuff
NEVER AGAIN. Not only have I made an absolute pig of myself eating just because it is there, but Leeara asks me everytime she goes to the cupboard for rubbish and then freakin' whinges when I say no. If I hadn't bought the bloody stuff then she wouldn't be whinging and she'd be going with the only options we usually have, fruit, yoghurt, sandwiches, cheese and bikkies (savoys and cream cheese, or block cheese cut up) or homemade biscuits or something.
I'm so annoyed at myself right now. She never usually carries on, but now she's saying things like 'I never get biscuits, I never get chips, I never get chocolate' *insert angry face here*'
Then stacks on a mega nearly 4 year old tanty.
That'll bloody teach me, won't it.
I said to Craig that I buy it so I can send it to work for him, and he raised a very valid point in a very considerate fashion that went something like this 'Not being rude or anything, but I don't actually get a lot of that stuff.....' Meaning I am a big fat pig who eats it all, and let's face it, he's right! Then he promptly told me he's prefer it if I didn't buy it anyway and just cooked, he likes my homemade treats :)

I heart my son

I have just realised I am totally biased towards my son. The kid gets away with murder, SERIOUSLY!

He is the cheekiest kid, who get's into absolutely everything, he climbs on everything, steals things, and runs away with things, and bloody generally makes a monkey of himself.

It's no wonder he doesn't take me seriously when I am trying to tell him off, AND keep a straight face, his face is just too adorable to growl at, honestly, he melts my heart with his beautiful little cheeky grin.

How on earth can I love a kid who keeps me sooo busy? How do you love a child who refuses to sleep and frustrates you so much you want to glue your eyelids together, because that's the closest you are likely to come to sleep?

Being a parent can be so rewarding.

weddings/diseases and all the good stuff!

I left the computer off Monday. I was an absolute grump. It was like having nicotine withdrawels, it was honestly THAT bad. Today I turned it on. I spent maybe a total of 30 minutes on it. I am so proud of myself.
I got my tax in the mail today, somehow I managed to make -$694 last year, what a great asset I am to the family!
I got some uni stuff in the mail today, boy am I excited! I can't wait to go int the uni and pick up the book I need for nations and politics. I am seriously thinking about having a closer look at the timetable and changing to doing one day on campus. Being in campus is just so much more motivating than being stuck home on my own, distracted by the internet and housework and blah blah blah.
My son has the MOST terrible immune system, seriously the kid picks up everything, he currently has hand foot and mouth disease, not only had I not heard of it until he had it, but I have NO idea where he got it from, no one else I have heard of around here has had it, so go figure. I think I am going to take him to the naturopath and see if there is anything she can do for him.

We are thinking about getting married soon. April. Maybe. But we cannot afford a huge wedding, nor are we inclined to waste money on one day anyway. But would it be tacky to get married at a registry office and then go out for tea somwhere nice, or have a spit roast, or a BBQ afterwards? LOL. I know it's not ideal, and not most peoples cup of tea, bit honestly for me, it's more about the marriage itself than celebrating the day. I don't need or want a big white fancy dress/limo/120 guests. We have to change Craigs name first, but to do that we have a few other ID issues to sort out, but I am guessing for now it would be roughly in April.
But how on earth do I organise it? If we got married in a registry office then there wold be no wedding photos, although Craig has suggest going on a holiday in the next 12 months and getting some nice photos done overseas, but I don't know.
Thought/comments would be appreciated, especially seeing as I know I have at least ONE reader out there.... HI SJ!

]\]
It's happened again. I've started spending far to much time on the computer again. Time to start turning it off again at night, you see once it's off it's a mega pain in the arse to turn back on, and takes forever to load up. So turning it off, means I am not at all tempted to get on it.
How it's come back to this I don't know. But it HAS to stop. Sometimes I think the internet can be as bad as an addiction to cigarettes or alcohol. I could easily spend 8 hours a day on this thing. The whole time I am, I am only be half a parent too my children, ever found yourself saying 'Hang on, I'll get it in a minute, Yep I'm coming?' How many of Mehki's nap times have I wasted here, instead of doing something special with my ever inqusitive, needs lots of attention, is forever wanting to learn, but truly most precious daughter? I am nearly crying just thinking about it. One of my downfalls as a parent is that sometimes I am reluctant to put their needs before mine. Selfish, selfish, selfish.
I've done my uni enrolment, uni starts at the end of Feb, I am working all over the show, (the joys of being a freakin' call in! GRR!) My garden needs to be desperately attended too, AND I've stopped exercising, my physcal body is suffering, I can literally hear my body groaning 'I am so calling the union, this extra 20 kilos was NOT in our contract dammit!) TO make matters worse I found two pics the other day in my computer drawer that Craig had taken of me pre Leeara. You can see my curves, but DAMN I had a good body, why didn't I appreciate what I had then? I guess you never do really, it's not until something is gone that you will truly appreciate what you did have.
And that all comes back to making the most of your children, before i know it, Little Miss will be 4, I will be 22, then it will be easter, uni exams and first semester will be over. During that time I am hoping to be pregnant again, then second semester will be here, Mehki's second birthday, more exams, another baby to be born in there somewhere, and then Christmas again. This year is going to fly by, and I know that I am not going to remember all those hours I spent fruitlessly trying to better myself by reading internet drivel. But I WILL remember spending time with the kids, teaching the things, laughing with them, being tickled by them and tickling them, I will remember all the precious snuggles my son gives me, the noises he makes in place of words, I will remember the funny antics of my daughter who has totally inherited her Fathers sense of humour. I will remember those things, because *they* are what's important.

For everyone in thise house's sake I HAVE to be organised. I need to keep myself a routine with both exercising, uni, and housework and most importantly the kids.
My new rule is now going to be, no computer when the kids are home, and no computer until they are in bed. Fancy me being so selfish to have this time wasting machine on when my kids are only home for 3 days a week? The other 4 they are at daycare until 3:30, so I have those days to myself which I waste away doing nothing productive and then still stay on here when they get home. I spend more time reading how to be a better person and parent, than I do putting these things into practice! How simple is it really? Turn off computer=automatically a better parent.
I must get to bed at a decent hour tonight, the puter is going off tonight until tomorrow night at the very least, maybe it should stay off even longer really, because I have been neglecting Craig a bit.

So I cleaned out my crokery cupboard today, and reorganised it.

It was so deadly, it was one of those open and duck out of the way real quick type cupboards.
I removed everything that doesn't get used on a regular basis and put it in another cupboard tha doesn't get used. I removed half of the glasses and mugs, cos I mean do we really need over a dozen of each? And when was the last time that we used those 2X things in the cupboard that would be great for microwave dinners if I ever got around to it? The answer? NEVER. I bought them years ago thinking they would be a great idea.... and I'm sure they would...
Not to mention the fact that the more you have, the more you have to wash!
So I've stacked my crockery cupboard only with things that we use all the time. Although I did include all my baking stuff too, hoping that that would encourage me to do some more baking, apparently it worked, as we baked muffins today!

The plan is, in 4-6 months time clean out the unused cupboard and whatever hasn't been used, will be going to the tip. There is no point keeping all these containers and implements if I am never going to use them!

I'm procrastinating

So I've packed the tree up, and made pizza bases, and well I got to odistracted to do any of the other jobs lol. Instead I tidied my wardrobe and stripped my bed, and cleaned up the kids play area.

I'm making a pizza for lunch, and then I'm off to pick my SIL up, and take her to get her new baby weighed.

Things to do....

I have a headache, I keep thinking to myself all the things I must get done.

It's doing my head in trying to keep a secret from Craig. I have having a suprise birthday party/BBQ get together on the 25th for his birthday, I've organised it with his Mum, and he has no idea. But gee our yard really needs some work, and I am talking backyard blitz, not the piddly amount of work I could do to it on or budget!

So tomorrow whilst the kids are in daycare again whilst their leisurely mother is at home I AM going to:

• Pack that darn Chrismas tree up, yes yes, I AM the type of person who would just leave it up until June.
• I will make the kids some muffins out of those things that used to be bananas in my cupboard.
• I need to make some more pizza bases, large and mini, so when we are having a pizza craving when we make them!
• I want to make the kids some more playdoh, we don't do enough fun stuff in this house, and I am sick of being a grumbly bear, so playdoh tomorrow it is!
• I need to get my uni enrolment sorted. WHY do I have to work so that we can afford to live at the moment, and WHY are all the subjects that I want to do offered in Hobart? Like I can travel 700kms, it's bad enough doing the 160km round trip to Lauceston for uni a couple of times a week.

I always work so much better off lists, but then I get ahead of myself, and I start writing myself unrealistic lists because of how much I would like to ideally be doing.

So small lists, small progress at first, so that we can chugg our way through life, make ends meet, and most importantly raise a happy healthy family.

Bought a van...

Well yesterday we bought a 1998 8 seater toyota tarago. By bought I mean financed. Our budget is going to be pretty tight for a while, but I'm happy with it. We won't need to buy another car again providing this is a good reliable car like our other Toyota.
The kids love it, it's great to drive, and I don't have to worry about trying to fit any more kids in, we have 4 more spaces we can fill up!

Getting my life organised

I never never been this motivated to get healthy before. I am so motivated to walk, and go swimming, when I went for my walk tonight I actually broke into a run, I probably only ended up running like 1/4 of the way, but still, I am the type of person who NEVER runs....unless somethings chasing me :)

My body is being a bit of a PITA, I'm not sure what's going on with it, I won't go into too much detail, but let's jsut say it ain't pretty. So I have no idea when I'm supposed to ovulate. Poor Craig, I guess we will just have to practice some extra, (how on earth will he ever cope with that!?!)

We've started a star/reward chart with Leeara tonight, in the hope it will convince her to go to bed and not carry on anymore, I've told her if she get's 7 stars in a row, she can pick out a new DVD. That probab;y sounds like poor parenting, but I really could care less, the kid needs to start going to bed without mucking around. Tonight she was mostly good, came out to give us her dirty old bandaid, and to go to the toilet, (Must remember to send her to the toilet before bed tomorrow) so based on that, there was no whinging or whining she will get to draw a star on her chart tomorrow. It seems a waste to buy a DVD when she will watch ir 2-3 times and go in the pile of others, but at this point I'm desperate. I do NOT want to be the kind of Mother who yells and does the lolly at her kids and scares them, I want to be a rational FUN mummy, I want to raise children who come from a respectful and calm house, I never want them to be scared of me. So it seems WE are keeping our housework under control, I've managed to control my depression, I've started tackling my physical health, and I'm working on improving my parenting, all in all this year is going so WELL so far, if this is the layout for the rest of the year, it is surely going to be a GREAT year!

I better get going, I had a phone call earlier on today, I have to work 9-7 tomorrow, of course I don't want to, but I'd be a fool to turn down $30 an hour for a 9 hour shift!

Part of my New Years resolution was to put more effort into keeping the house tidy. We are 10 days into the New Year and Craig and I have been maintaining the house together, every day or every couple of days I do one other job, declutter a space, or tidy something that desperately needs tidying. I spent 1.5 hours in the kids room the other day. I took out 2/3 of their toys and put them in containers to be brought back inside in a few weeks, I figure they cannot play with them all at once, so I will rotate the toys so everything else get's played with. It also makes their room so much easier to tidy! I went through all their clothes, took out Ky's stuff that was too big, labelled it to go into the shed for when he will fit into it, and I took out all the clothes that don't get work or were too small. It's amazing how much more room they have in their drawers!
Another one of my downfalls was keeping up with the washing! I have no problems getting it washed, dried and folded, but I hate hate hate putting it away! And so does Craig! So all year we have been keeping up with all aspects of the washing. You wouldn't believe that I actually have TWO loungeoom chairs now!

On a body note, my mirena is gone, and I have lost 7cm's off my waist! I haven't shifted the scales, but you can't win 'em all!

I am crazy

I must be mega crazy.
Last night I had 5 kids here, my brother who is 10, my other brother who is 6, my newphew who is 4, and my two kids of course. This place was absolutely crazy. But in fact it was soo nice to have a houseful of kids, so nice, can't wait till I have 6!

I got my mirena out, that was unpleasant, fingers crossed that I ovulate next week, if my body behaves and this PCOS doesn't affect my fertility too much. I'm thinking about quitting work, I'm having a hard time getting along with my boss, she just makes my life miserable. *sigh* to make matters worse, she's my Aunt. I really don't konw if we can afford for me to not work, but having these last few weeks off has really made me appreciate being at home, maybe I'll give up work and study until I have another baby,

It's been a while since I last wrote. I'm not real good at keeping up with blogs. I usually have plenty of thoughts to spew out, but generally it's when the computer is off, and I cannot be bothered to turn it on.

Over Christmas I let my exercise regime slide. Days into being a lazy arse, I could feel my whole outlook on life draggin' me down. I was begining to spend more time on the computer, like it was actually and important part of my life (again!) and I could feel myself feeling miserable about my life and everything in it, yet nothing in particular. So Wednesday night I started walking again, I went twice in Thursday, and twice on Friday, once on Saturday, and well I was supposed to go twice today, but gee I'm feeling unmotivated, I think it's something to do with this stinking hot weather! Well if you are from Tassie, it's hot weather but if you are a mainlander this is probab;y the type of weather you pray for on a regular basis!

I am supposed to get my IUD out tomorrow, I'm semi excited about that but pretty bloody nervous too, I mean is it going to hurt, and well this is going to sound stupid, but when and IF I get pregnant, I don't want to look fat not pregnant, I want to be visibly pregnant :(
Then again I might not be able to get it out now, because I got my period last Wedesday and it's still going strong today, so I doubt I will be able to get it out now. Although I am pleased because that means I should be ovulating not long after it comes out!

Oh and just to confirm my utter nerdiness...... The found our first two zucchini's in the garden today, little baby ones! AND I can see at LEAST half a dozen cucumbers on the plants too!