It's been a while since I've updated this blog.
Craig got his job back which is great news, but I guess in a way I do feel a tiny bit sad. We took such a huge risk asking for more money to cover expenses, and if he hadn't got his job back life could have been a bit exciting, looking for a change, or moving to the city. However I guess these things happen for a reason, and for now I'm happy just to stumble down this path my life is going down.

I haven't exercised at all since just before Christmas and I feel terrible physically and mentally, all that exercise was working wonders for my depression. My ears have finally cleared, but I guess I am going to have to swim with ear plugs in. Just need to get myself a swimming cap, a breast to knee swim suit and a rubber ducky floatation device and I will be all that!!
I'm looking forward to swimming and walking again, I cannot believe the difference it made to my mindset!

So it;s 11:20pm, on New Years Eve, I'm home alone, Craig has gone shark fishing (bless him, poor man couldn't catch a cold on a cold winters night!) my Step Mum offered to have my kids, but I'm pretty happy just to stay home. The kids are asleep so I'm just relaxing having the house to myself.
I'm taking the time to reflect on the things that happened this year, and this things that I would like to happen next year. There is not one large thing that sticks out to me this year that I feel I miserably failed at, but a few little niggly things that I will be working on. I want to get organised. I want a routine, even if it's just a semi routine. I was the TV to be off more, it only goes on in the evenings but still..... I want to lose weight, get fit, fall pregnant (all before Jan 7th when I get my mirena out, hopeful much you think?! Coming from someone who could win Miss pessimist of the year) I want to be less pessimistic, it's not a good quality, I don' t want to be the sort of person who drags everyone down around her.
I want to make more of my own things, and spend more time doing homely things.
I want to stop sweating the small stuff and spend more time with the kids. Someone I need to get it through my thick head that the housework CAN and SHOULD wait. They are only little once!
I want to be a more patient parent. I'm still selfish, I don't jump when my kids call out, I don't pander to their every whim and need. Of course I am there for them when they truly need me, but I want to be there just because they want me there.
I will stick to just turning the computer on in the evenings after the kids have gone to bed, and in fact I might implement another new rule, it doesn't come on until I have done a set amount of chores everynight, try and give myself some incentive to keep the house maintained.
I want to spend more time doing thigns that Craig wants to do. Golf, fishing, playing monopoly (I MUST stop being such a sore loser!) because he does things that *I* want to do, and I guess you have to sacrifice some things. What's a coupld hours of my time playing golf, at least we get to be together.
I want to get financially set. We get by at the moment, but never have much cash spare. I don't consider myself to be a materistic person by any means, I want a car that can carry the kids I want to have, and carry them safely, and I want a house that doesn't mean I have to have 6 kids in one bedroom. So next year my aim is to get our debt managed, purchase a Mitsubishi Delica, not because I like them by any means,but simply because I think it would be an all round practical vehicle that would allow us to go camping and fishing and woodcutting and all those things that are hard to do without a 4WD. I will also work hard at putting us in a better position so we can extend the house. We have thought long and hard about what we should do, as we live in a 2 bedtoom house in a rural area. We currently owe 72K on our house. We will probably be overcapitalising but a small price to pay I guess for a house that we will raise all our children in (so another 20 odd years I imagine at least we will spend in this house) and it will also mean we will still have, in comparison a small mortgage. It will mean we will have a huge 5 bedroom house, including 1 large main bedroom with ensuite :) I NEED a house that has two toilets, cos you can guarantee in this house the minute you go someone else always needs to go.

Anyway, that's enough for me, those are my goals and aims for 2008. Best of luck to everyone out there for the New Year, I hope it brings you peace, joy and love.

My daughter comes out with some of the funniest things.

Funny Thing #1
To set the scene Leeara is jumping up and down screaming because she is annoyed and has a wedgie. Mama gets cross and says "For goodness sake take the bloody things off then if they are going to keep giving you wedgies" (Bearing in mind this is wedgie number 437 for the day. Mama rethinks what she has said to her baby bear and decides she has been too harsh and tries to lighten the mood with "You must be getting all the wedgies because your bum is getting big!" to which baby bear replies "Yes Mummy, I'll have to start wearing YOUR undies now!"

Funny Thing #2
Mama has a friend over and is advising said friend not to have children for another 10-13 years so that my children can babysit hers and we can go out Leeara pipes up "I'll look after them, but I'm not going to breastfeed them!"

She is the funniest little thing!

Well both my kids are having a sleep, I've considered joining them, I shouldn't be on here wasting my precious time, there is dinner to cook, and a house to clean, and a book that I really want to read that isn't going to read itself.
Went for another walk yesterday, that's 5X exercise this week, AND a pretty good healthy diet. Go me!

Well I best get off here, or my entire times whilst the kids are sleeping will be wasted.

Still no news on C's job. Bloody bastards keeping us hanging like this.
The good news is I have exercised 5 times this week! have walked 3km's 4 times and swam once. We went swimming on Thursday night and I swam 43 laps! Which is 1.075 kms! I have also been making heaps better food choices and actually found some willpower somewhere! SO if anyone out there has lost some, don't worry I've found it, but I'm not giving it back!
DD is going through an interesting stage at the moment. She's very impatient with her brother and can be a bit mean to him sometimes, she doesn't realise that he doesn't understand he is being a pain in her bum. *sigh* I cant wait until he can talk and they start to verbally argue (yes that is pure sarcam there!)
Must go and cook tea, I have a friend coming over soon!

*sigh* DD is sick, she has a sore throat and a bark. DS is barking like a dog, and no matter what we do he is always falling over and banging his head. The kid constantly has bruises on his face and head :(

I'm stressed. C might not have a job in the next few weeks, if he is unemployed we are going to be in mega trouble. I really want to get some debt paid off, I'm dreading thinking about him losing his job :(

Ugh, when it rains it fucking pours. How is it sometimes we are cruising along nicely with money and then others we really have to tighten our purse strings. It sucks. We don't live what I would call a 'high life' so how are we just getting by sometimes?

So I did what I said I was going to do, I stayed off the computer all day. Because it was turned off the temptation wasn't as great. I turned it on at 7pm, although both the kids weren't quite in bed I'm quite happy with that effort still.

I got my photo proofs back from Clair, they are looking pretty good! http://www.clairbremner.com/marshall/index.html There are a few photos that don't look very good, but I'd say that had more to do with the person in the photo than the person taking it, man it doesn't take much to turn an oridnary looking person into an ugly one, especially when you have an extra 30KG's on your side. *sigh*

I had a doctors appt today, I've made an appt with a dietician, and my Dr. has suggest that I up the mettformin to 2 times a day and then gradually increase to 3 times a day. I really hope it helps me to lose weight, because I want to have another baby, but being so overweight is just not cool. Being pregnant is hard enough, I can't imagine how hard it would be on your body when you are seriously overweight.
I am going to try and stick to the weightwatchers program, take the mettformin and go back to the doctors in a months time and will have hopefully lost some weight. I think I am also going to go on the public waiting list for a lapband. I don't know that I entirely agree with them, but I do know that I am desperately unhappy in this body.

Note to self, stop drinking beer, just because you gave up the smokes doesn't mean you can drink more! When I drink I ramble... I mean type ramble...

It's funny the amount of stuff you can get done when you don't have the computer on. I tend to leave it on all day, and spend 10 minutes here and there, but sometimes those 10 minutes can lead up until an hour. A whole hour wasted reading shit on the internet on how to be a better parent. I spend more time in theory than I do doing the practical things that are being a great parent. So my new resolve is to turn the computer off each night before I go to bed (saves power too, so YAY so me conserving power AND saving money!) and the stupid ever distracting computer can stay off until my kids have gone to bed. I'm always just jumping on for a second, there is never really anything new, nothing livesaving, not REALLY that interesting, yet I find myself so distracted by the internet when there are soo man more constructive things I could be doing.
Nothing in life is more important than spending time with my kids, especially as our time together is so precious because I am working, yet I am still being selfish and doing the 'just for a few minutes' on the computer. I find myself saying 'Just a moment, hang on would ya, I'll be there in a minute' plus a number of other random sentences that my brain has put together when I am not concentrating on what my daughter is saying,
Plus in all honesty I find that when I am trying to divide my attention between the kids and the computer I get cranky and have heaps less patience, so not having it on during the day has go to have some benefits. I guess it's best to get out of the habit now too because when uni starts again next year, I want to be completely weaned off all internet distractions.

Everything doesn't seem so bad now that I have had a few beers! It's funny really because I didn't think that I would be able to drink beer after I had given up smoking because I tended to associate the two things, but I am coping just fine in fact I rarely even think about having a cigarette anymore!
I have decided that I am going to cut my daycare days back if I can't get extra work at the supermarket to pay the things I want to pay to feel comfortable with our financial status. If I cn get the work then I will work until February. I figure it's a short term goal for myself that I can work towards, and hopefully won't lose sight of what I am aiming for. Then in February I think I might give up work altogether so that I can study for 2 days a week, getting my arse organised so that I actually do some study of a night time and get through a few more units, although I do need to ring the careers adviser at the uni and make an appointment to help me sort out what it is I actually badly want to do, instead of having a few half hearted ideas.
Also between now and February, I need to work my arse off to get my body back into a decent physical condition so that we can TTC#3. We have also made the decision that after #3 I will not be returning to work, and I will not be going back on birth control until our family is complete. I think the aim is 4 more in 4 years ROFL! Hopefully I will be able to continue to slowly plod my way through my uni degree.

Amazing what a few beers will do eh? Sad really....

I feel so down and drained. I don't know why I had a fantastic day yesterday, I went to town with a few friends, went and had a massage, lazed about in the pool and in the hot spas, had a 3 hour lunch and went to a movie, so why do I feel so down?

Work is not what it is supposed to be. I'm now supposed to be working 2 days a week, but my kids are in daycare 4 days a week. If I let the spots go, they will be gone and I won't have any for uni next year. So do I keep those 2 days a week for another 3 months which means I drop my kids off 2 whole days a week and then come home alone? :O( That feels so wrong, that's what I'n doing now. And it feels WRONG. I want to study, At the moment I have to work, I know if I buckled down then we could afford for me not to work, in fact we only have a couple of things that need to be paid and then I wouldn't have to work, I want to study too, but uni is so far away, and 'm no good at distance ed, I can't get motivated. I am so fucking scared that my kids will start school and I will hate myself for not spending those first few years with them, when they should have been at home with ME, not being raised by someone else.

I've tried talking to C about it, but whilst he sympathises, I don't think he will ever understand just HOW I feel, he can't give me any answers, or work miracles, I just can't work out what the right thing to do is.
I should be looking after my kids shouldn't I? They are only babies for such a short time and I feel like I'm missing out on all the good stuff, and all I get at the end of the day is the crabbiness and the teatime, bedtime routine.

I must sound like a nutcase.

OK, so I'm tired, but that's nothing new. I never have anything new and out there to post.

I'm so proud of myself, this week I have been for 4, 3km walks. It's been so nice to get out of the house at 7:30 with a friend, that has been MY time, and I love it! It gives me 30 minutes each day to chill out and forget about whatever is going on in my chaotic life.

I cannot remember if I posted that when I went out last Friday night, I smoked myself stupid. They tasted like SHIT, I have no idea how I used to smoke all the time, I'm so glad that the temptation isn't there now! It must have been somewhere in the 4-6 week vicinity now since I officialy gave up.

You know, recent happenings in my extended family have really forced me to think hard lately. It's been 18 months since all the crap surrounding C's affair surfaced, some people in my family have managed to move on, not forgotten, just moved on, and some haven't. The only real lessons I've learnt from the entire thing are; Don't trust anyone, no matter who they are, no matter how close and how much you think you can trust them, NEVER give them the benefit of the doubt or your heart will be broken. And the other thing I learnt was NEVER tell people your problems, they will remember that shit in years to come about whoever you are bitching about, thus influencing their opinion of that person every time you talk about them, even if it's in a positive way.

Won't make those mistakes again I can assure you.

I am tired, and sunburnt and have terrible garlic breath.
It's not even 8:30, and my brain has turned to mush. It's been a big day.

I'm looking forward to Sunday, we are getting the kids photo's done by Clair Bremner, I've seen her website, it looks like she takes nice photos, I'm excited!

I'm so disheartened. I was all geared up for psych B in January summer school, only to discover today that it is only offered in Hobart, which is 700kms away :(

Something really bad could have happened today. How is it that I have been a parent for 4 god damn years, and I still make basic parenting mistakes?

I have just spent the last four hours cleaning my house, the kids are at daycare and the house looked like a tornado hit it so I had to get stuck into it. It seriously took me TWO hours to fold all the washing and put it away, TWO hours!
And so although the washing is caught up, the dishes are washed, the house is vacummed and the kitchen and loungeroom are clean, there is still so much to do. I have to tackle the bedrooms yet! I have to pick the kids up in an hour, I doubt I'll get the rooms done before then.
*sigh* I was going to take a photo but I was too embarassed!

I went out Friday night with a girl friend. Had heaps to drink, in fact I was so drunk I danced on the stage at the pub, and for those who know me, I have to be REALLY tanked to do that. I had an awesome night, it was so nice to get out of the house and spend time with friends, I caught up with a few old schoolmates. I danced till my shins and legs were sore actually, I have muscles that are hurting that I didn't even know I had!

Saturday night we went camping.Whatever you do, take a freakin' mattress. Sleeping on the doona on the ground with two young kids is NOT fun. It is also not fun when youngest child will not go to bed and has his own little tea party in the tent and cries and rolls around the tent for hours. Then to make it worse when we all went to bed he cried all night and rolled all around the tent, I think he had a belly ache, but I also wonder if camping was too much of an upset to his usual routine.
Anyway lesson learnt I guess, I will never go camping agian without something to sleep on, AND a toilet. My idea of a toilet is not hiking off into the bush with dunny roll under one arm and a shovel under the other!

Yesterday was spent outside in the veggie garden, it's almost finished. Half the veggies are planted, we just need to do a few finishing touches now. I will take pics later, and I'll also be back with a photo that me and Meg took when we went out Friday night.

I better go check my potatos, I'm making potato salad, garden salad and pan fried chicken breasts for tea tonight :) YUM!

I'm so tired

I feel so run down, so stressed and so tired. I feel really indecisive about every aspect of my life, have I done the right thing by going back to work? Have I done the right thing giving Craig another go? Can I go back to school? Should I have another baby? What if, what if, what if.
What should I study?

I get like this when I'm tired, I'm such a baby.

So annoyed

I am so tired of trying to run around of a morning and get organised and get these kids out the door by 8am. I know it's not that early but it's really starting to shit me off.
I try and get organised the night before, I get up at 6am for gods sake. Ky is up at 6am, and Ara doesn't surface until sometime after 7. But it doesn't matter what I do Ky is behind me fucking trashing everything, like when I'm in the shower he's pulling sutff out of the drawers in the bathroom, or carting other shit all over the house. He gets into everything, and it's not even 8am, and I'm a yelling screaming mess. I don't have the patience for this, yeah yeah that's what kids do, tell someone who cares.

Not to mention I'm that rushed and clearly disorganised that I'm not paying attention to what Ky's doing or what I've done, I was facing the cupboard and felt something on my bum, I turn around and Ky had grabbed a knife of the table and come and stabbed me in the arse with it. How the hell am I STILL doing stupid shit like this? I guess I should be thankful that it was me who got stabbed and he didn't take his own eye out.

Note to self; Get organised, buy pot to smoke in the mornings to chill out a bit.

Oh and pointing out the obvious as to why I'm here, the kids are running amok and the house is falling down around me, and I'm blissfully trying to ignore them feeling sorry for myself.
Must go, Ky has just stolen a banana out of their daycare bag.

*sigh* today better improve REAL soon.

My hair turned out okay.

Before
So I forgot to mention that I dyed my hair Sunday. It turned out okay, not as vibrant as I had hoped but at least it doesn't look awful, and I don't look like something that C dragged in off the street. I was thinking that I might get another dye in the same red and go over it, but maybe that will be pushing my already limited luck?

After

And Just a pic of the earrings C made me. A couple of years ago I decided to give jewelery making a whirl. I came home from work one night and C had been fiddly around with my stuff and made nicer earrings than me!

look what my poor son did at daycare? He climbed onto the lunch table and fell off! It looks much worse than the photo, he has a massive egg on his head :(

Don't tell me that's cute! Naughty freakin puppy! The kids were playing in the clam pool and she was stealing the toys from it!

You would not believe the mess I have to clean up in the two bedrooms. My room has an unmade bed (no sheets!) and clean washing strewn everywhere. We had people over for tea last night, and all yesterdays washing got dumped in there, seriously I nearly broke my neck trying to get over it! I guess I should look on the brightside, my washing is caught up, if I can manage one load a day then I should stay in front all week....hoping anyway!
Leeara's room has clothes everywhere, yesterday she was playing her a dolly dressing it, undressing it, wrapping it in clothes and terry flat nappies and cloth wipes, so I'll get to clean all that up when they are at daycare.

I really hate having to take them to daycare when I'm home, as opposed to the other 3 days when I'm at work. But I can't let my daycare spots go or they won't be there next year when I want to go back to uni :(
I have finally made a decision on uni, I am going to take 3 weeks off work in January for summer school and pick up psych1B which I should have done this semester. I'm a bit nervous trying to do a whole semesters worth of work in 3 weeks though, but I think it might be better this way, that way I don't actually have to take a long time off work and I don't have to stretch my brain for 13 weeks, just 3, which also means I don't feel so bad if I forget the housework and just study, because it's only for 3 weeks. I'm also going to re enrol for next semester. I'm either going to do 2 subjects, one through distance and one on campus, or both on campus. If I have to cut back working to 2 days a week then I will.

We have to get C's mail tender sorted out, we are so hoping he gets his job back, he loves it, and it's great family hours, but the pay is average. Or maybe I'm just being greedy and want more than what we have? That's possible, I'm pretty keen to upgrade to a people mover, and buy a block of land and build a house. I don't want anything fancy, but one of my biggest faults is patience, I hate waiting! Thankfully now though, I am not as stupid as I used to be and wouldn't go and put us in a ridiculous debt situation to satisfy my 'needs'. So hopefully we should know about mid December whether or not he has his job secured for another 5 years......scary.....

I have set myself 4 long term goals to work on.
1. Give up smoking
2. Lose weight and get back to a healthy weight range.
3. Complete me degree.
4. Beat depression

I've given up smoking, so now to work on the other three. Losing weight and beating depression should come hand in hand, and completing my degree should help with depression as it will lift my self esteem. Now I just have to decide once and for all if this is the degree that I want to do. I don't want to spend a couple of years doing it, only to realise those precious years have been wasted because it's not what I wanted to do....

Leeara is finally home , man I forgot how much that kid talks, remind me not to teach Ky to talk that much. I'm sure my ears are bleeding internally.
Big day planned tomorrow in the garden, and in the morning I have a friend coming to dye my hair bright red, that should be interesting to say the least! I will post pics tomorrow providing I don't look like a common tart!
I'm hoping to get Craig to take Christmas photos of the kids tomorrow so I can make our Christmas cards to send out this year, I thought it might be a nice change instead of buying them.
ApparentlyI am 'just a mean girl and I don't like you' courtesy of miss threenager. I'll go and deal with her, and be back tomorrow!

I have been so tired lately, I don't know what's wrong with me. I could quite easily go to bed now and it's only 7:34 pm!

I've been nauseas all day, I started on mettformin 2 weeks ago, apparently this is a side effect. Just lovely.

On the other hand I do believe it's been 2 weeks, possibly 3 this coming Monday since I gave up smoking. Man I miss it. I'm not addicted, I just like it. Why does it have to be so bad for you? Why is it so important that I be a role model to my children. Of course I know the answer to my question, but for one day I want to be free of all responsibility, I want to smoke till my chest hurts, drink till I pass out on the nearest woodbox, swear like a banshee, spend money like I have it and have no debt. Just one day..... would be all I'd need, that lifestyle would become very overrated I'm sure!
So for now, I'll just be happy that I've taken the plunge and given up smoking, have the occasional drink, and manage our debt but still get to go a little crazy every now and then :)

That's the face my beautiful son pulls when you tell him no, heartbreaking isn't it?


I haven't been able to post since I joined here. I never remember my passwords, and then it has taken days for me to get the emails through from blogspot to reset my password. God only knows whether or not I will remember this password.
C is watching T.V, and Mehki is in bed asleep, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the 7pm bedtime. Leeara has gone with my Mum to stay at my Pops until Friday. That will give my ears a lovely chance to heal, seriously that girl could talk the leg off an iron chair. Her 'new' thing is "Excuse me Mum" at the start of EVERYTHING she says to me. It's great that the kid is using her manners, but man, she can chatter. I can't wait until Mehki is old enough to talk back to her and share some of the burden!
So I'm wasting time on the computer, reading blogs that are motivational, they motivate me to get organised, and to start cooking more, doing more craft and spend less time on the computer and eat less pre prepared packaged food, but now I just need to get motivated to actually DO these things.
I enjoy working I really do, but sometimes it is so hard to try and juggle all these things in life that I am supposed to do, as well as the things I WANT to do.
I really want to study next year again, but I just don't know how I am going to fit it all in? I want to have another baby next year, but who has time (or energy for that matter!) to make them?
I'm not even sure that I want to study what I am studying now! I'd like to do midwifery, I'd like to do a degree with some sort of environmental element, but then I do like social work, but it's the whole arts degree first that's bugging me. I dunno, maybe I'm just looking for excuses.