I am exhausted.
I am grumpy.
I am irrational.
I can't sleep.
I have a constant headache.
I have no motivation.
I don't want social contact, just give me a warm dark corner away from everyone thanks.
I have an unpredictable and violent temper, and a foul mouth.
There is something wrong with me.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Just fuck off
I feel like I'm about to explode.
I feel so angry. I haven't been sleeping real well and yesterday I had the shakes.
This morning I felt down down down and had a cry about nothing.
I wish everyone would just fuck off and leave me the fuck alone.
I feel so angry. I haven't been sleeping real well and yesterday I had the shakes.
This morning I felt down down down and had a cry about nothing.
I wish everyone would just fuck off and leave me the fuck alone.
Friday, July 18, 2008
What to do?
Ugh.
Leeara is so frustrating at the moment and I'm finding it REALLY hard to like her :(
She yells at me, has the attitude of a 14 year old, and is generally just an unpleasant little girl.
I can sit down with her to do something, and whilst we are doing it she is always talking about the next thing we are going to do! It's like no matter what I do, it's NEVER enough.
I don't know how to combat this.
She plays up at bed time, so much so I gave her a fucking dummy tonight to shut her up. She went to sleep straight away. Why is my 4 year old so insecure that she needs a dummy to settle? What am I doing wrong? She never used to be like this, she was an absolute angel.
I really feel a lot of her behaviour is to do with Ky, but I just don't know where to start somedays. But I have to start somewhere. So what to do?
What is making my little girl so unhappy? I worry that she is unwell, she has been pale lately, and complaining of a lot of ailments, it's hard to tell whether these ailments are real or attention seeking *sigh* I fear that she is desperately unhappy :( I don't want her to be unhappy.
I do however wish that she would go and play on her own. I wish that she would go and play outside during the day when I tell her too.
I feel like I'm going in circles with her..
So this is where I'm going to start.
-Limit TV time to two shows in the morning. From 9-10am. The darn TV has been on from anywhere between 6-7am until 11 lately, and I am not happy with that.
-Limit my computer time. I've been spending far too much time on here AGAIN. HOW do I get sucked into it? For gods sake, reading how to be a good parent is just stupid, I should be putting it into practice.
-Every morning, spend some writing time with Leeara. It doesn't matter whether it's 10 minutes, but she needs that time. Any suggestions on how to get that time with her when Ky is running around though? He is not likely to go off and play by himeself if I am sitting at the table with Leeara.
- Read her a book EVERY SINGLE DAY. Yes I said it. I am one of those slack parents who rarely reads to her children, and I don't doubt that's because the TV is ALWAYS on, and the computer is ALWAYS on. Why why why am I so damn selfish?
-Give her an extra 15 minutes two on one time every night before bed. Tv off, and playing a came of some sort. She loves playing guess who, and is getting quite good at it! She also loves to play go fish, so I better get a hold of some cards.
I'm sure there are more things, but that's just a starting point. I'm going to trial those things this week and I'll come back later during the week and write about how it's going. Hopefully it will have a positive effect on her behaviour.
Leeara is so frustrating at the moment and I'm finding it REALLY hard to like her :(
She yells at me, has the attitude of a 14 year old, and is generally just an unpleasant little girl.
I can sit down with her to do something, and whilst we are doing it she is always talking about the next thing we are going to do! It's like no matter what I do, it's NEVER enough.
I don't know how to combat this.
She plays up at bed time, so much so I gave her a fucking dummy tonight to shut her up. She went to sleep straight away. Why is my 4 year old so insecure that she needs a dummy to settle? What am I doing wrong? She never used to be like this, she was an absolute angel.
I really feel a lot of her behaviour is to do with Ky, but I just don't know where to start somedays. But I have to start somewhere. So what to do?
What is making my little girl so unhappy? I worry that she is unwell, she has been pale lately, and complaining of a lot of ailments, it's hard to tell whether these ailments are real or attention seeking *sigh* I fear that she is desperately unhappy :( I don't want her to be unhappy.
I do however wish that she would go and play on her own. I wish that she would go and play outside during the day when I tell her too.
I feel like I'm going in circles with her..
So this is where I'm going to start.
-Limit TV time to two shows in the morning. From 9-10am. The darn TV has been on from anywhere between 6-7am until 11 lately, and I am not happy with that.
-Limit my computer time. I've been spending far too much time on here AGAIN. HOW do I get sucked into it? For gods sake, reading how to be a good parent is just stupid, I should be putting it into practice.
-Every morning, spend some writing time with Leeara. It doesn't matter whether it's 10 minutes, but she needs that time. Any suggestions on how to get that time with her when Ky is running around though? He is not likely to go off and play by himeself if I am sitting at the table with Leeara.
- Read her a book EVERY SINGLE DAY. Yes I said it. I am one of those slack parents who rarely reads to her children, and I don't doubt that's because the TV is ALWAYS on, and the computer is ALWAYS on. Why why why am I so damn selfish?
-Give her an extra 15 minutes two on one time every night before bed. Tv off, and playing a came of some sort. She loves playing guess who, and is getting quite good at it! She also loves to play go fish, so I better get a hold of some cards.
I'm sure there are more things, but that's just a starting point. I'm going to trial those things this week and I'll come back later during the week and write about how it's going. Hopefully it will have a positive effect on her behaviour.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
So I've been thinking a lot lately about shopping locally.
I'm thinking of all the things I can source that are made locally. But I wondered, does it matter if it's made locally, but the raw ingredients aren't all local? For example the flour mill in Launceston sells bulk 10kg or 25kg bags of flour, but I highly doubt the wheat would be grown in Tassie. Obviously raw ingredients and then made locally are the best options but you can't really have the best of both worlds here in Tassie LOL.
Next up is meat. I know we eat way to much meat, but my vegetarian cooking skills are dodgy. I need to learn to cook more meals without meat. My problem is I cook with a lot of veggies and I worry that it just won't be as nice if I just left the veggies out. For example if I cook a chicken curry I might use 600g of chicken breast, red/green/orange capsicum,mushrooms, onions, carrots and zucchini. Most of my meals I bulk up like this, and I usually have enough leftoever to feed a small army! So I can source beef and lamb and pork that is local. Like the beef in our local butchers, is the same ones you drive past to go to work, that's how local they are! The butcher has his own slaughterhouse (I hate that word!) The pork comes from the butchers brothers, although I'm not really that fond of pork. And the lamb comes from this area too.
Chicken on the other hand isn't something I can source locally. I can source Tasmanian chicken at best but I don't know how that rates on the local scale, which is a shame. The other downside to buying the local meat is that it is a lot more expensive than buying meat from the supermarket, which if you cut back your meat consumption is okay, but if you don't it's no good because it skyrockets your food bill. *sigh* So many changes to make, so overwhelming!
Other things I can source locally. Honey,raspberry/apricot and strawberry jam. Potatos, pumpkins, apples, pears, eggs, I could probably source raw milk from the local dairy farmers if I approached them. I have access to parsnips, carrots, cabbages.
However one thing I am really surprised about is the stuff that our local woolworths sells that is bought locally. A lot of it is Tasmanian produce, and some of the produce is even bought from the town it is in!
So now that I've had a good think about it, there is quite a lot of stuff that I have access too locally! You should try and find out too, I bet you would be surprised!
The only thing that worries me is buying local can cost more, and a lot of people are already on a small limited budget.
I'm thinking of all the things I can source that are made locally. But I wondered, does it matter if it's made locally, but the raw ingredients aren't all local? For example the flour mill in Launceston sells bulk 10kg or 25kg bags of flour, but I highly doubt the wheat would be grown in Tassie. Obviously raw ingredients and then made locally are the best options but you can't really have the best of both worlds here in Tassie LOL.
Next up is meat. I know we eat way to much meat, but my vegetarian cooking skills are dodgy. I need to learn to cook more meals without meat. My problem is I cook with a lot of veggies and I worry that it just won't be as nice if I just left the veggies out. For example if I cook a chicken curry I might use 600g of chicken breast, red/green/orange capsicum,mushrooms, onions, carrots and zucchini. Most of my meals I bulk up like this, and I usually have enough leftoever to feed a small army! So I can source beef and lamb and pork that is local. Like the beef in our local butchers, is the same ones you drive past to go to work, that's how local they are! The butcher has his own slaughterhouse (I hate that word!) The pork comes from the butchers brothers, although I'm not really that fond of pork. And the lamb comes from this area too.
Chicken on the other hand isn't something I can source locally. I can source Tasmanian chicken at best but I don't know how that rates on the local scale, which is a shame. The other downside to buying the local meat is that it is a lot more expensive than buying meat from the supermarket, which if you cut back your meat consumption is okay, but if you don't it's no good because it skyrockets your food bill. *sigh* So many changes to make, so overwhelming!
Other things I can source locally. Honey,raspberry/apricot and strawberry jam. Potatos, pumpkins, apples, pears, eggs, I could probably source raw milk from the local dairy farmers if I approached them. I have access to parsnips, carrots, cabbages.
However one thing I am really surprised about is the stuff that our local woolworths sells that is bought locally. A lot of it is Tasmanian produce, and some of the produce is even bought from the town it is in!
So now that I've had a good think about it, there is quite a lot of stuff that I have access too locally! You should try and find out too, I bet you would be surprised!
The only thing that worries me is buying local can cost more, and a lot of people are already on a small limited budget.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Boring confessions
It's been 4 days since my last confession.
I confess that I've hit a slump, and I must must must start taking my medication again or things aren't going to be pretty.
My Mum (bless her soul) offered to have the kids overnight last night. So Craig and I went to the movies. We saw Hancock, it was a pretty good movie. It was great to have some timeout together
I put $112 worth of petrol in my car O M G. The last lot was $90 and lasted me nearly 8 days. This lot I'm going to try and stretch out to 10 days, but not going anywhere, except netball on Saturday. *sigh* what a bloody waste of money!
I've been thinking seriously about our garden, and I can't wait for the warmer weather so I can get out there and do some digging and some planting. But for now I've ordered a book form the library on growing in cold climate areas.
I confess that I've hit a slump, and I must must must start taking my medication again or things aren't going to be pretty.
My Mum (bless her soul) offered to have the kids overnight last night. So Craig and I went to the movies. We saw Hancock, it was a pretty good movie. It was great to have some timeout together
I put $112 worth of petrol in my car O M G. The last lot was $90 and lasted me nearly 8 days. This lot I'm going to try and stretch out to 10 days, but not going anywhere, except netball on Saturday. *sigh* what a bloody waste of money!
I've been thinking seriously about our garden, and I can't wait for the warmer weather so I can get out there and do some digging and some planting. But for now I've ordered a book form the library on growing in cold climate areas.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Stupid brain
Sometimes I don't know what's worse.
The fact that I can't look at a razor with the intended use in mind. Or the fact that said razor has a stupid safety thing on it so you can't cut yourself. How fucking ironic.
Now it's confession time, I haven't been remembering regulary to take my AD.
I've had two mini fights with Craig and now I'm feeling teary, cutty and angry and sad. It's been a few weeks since I've taken it regulary.
Right now being me fucking sucks.
The fact that I can't look at a razor with the intended use in mind. Or the fact that said razor has a stupid safety thing on it so you can't cut yourself. How fucking ironic.
Now it's confession time, I haven't been remembering regulary to take my AD.
I've had two mini fights with Craig and now I'm feeling teary, cutty and angry and sad. It's been a few weeks since I've taken it regulary.
Right now being me fucking sucks.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Not again
I am so god damn tired.
mehki started crying at 12 last night. Why the heck he was crying I had no idea. I ended up getting cranky and giving him panadol. He screams for a drink, so I give him a drink and he throws it away. I'm sure it's a temper tantrum. And well I hate thos things at the best of times, let alone in th emiddle of the night. Seriously boy, give it up already, you are nearly 2, and sleep is GOOD despite what your little body and brain must think.
I need sleep. And soon.
mehki started crying at 12 last night. Why the heck he was crying I had no idea. I ended up getting cranky and giving him panadol. He screams for a drink, so I give him a drink and he throws it away. I'm sure it's a temper tantrum. And well I hate thos things at the best of times, let alone in th emiddle of the night. Seriously boy, give it up already, you are nearly 2, and sleep is GOOD despite what your little body and brain must think.
I need sleep. And soon.
Monday, July 7, 2008
It's going to be a looong day!
Oh My God.
My son is about to be adopted out to the nearest silliest enough person who thinks he will eventually turn good.
He woke at 3am this morning, I put him in my bed. He woke at 4am this morning and was screaming and throwing tantrums. I'd like to know who told him 4am is an acceptable time to be throwing tantrums? I ended up losing my temper with him and turning the lights off and let him lay on the floor chucking a paddy. *grumble grumble*
Eventually he realised that I had gotten him a drink and he drank that and layed back down, but he bugger arsed around for ages, and here we are at 6:20am and he hasn't been back to sleep.
My God. I am so freakin' tired. He is not sitting at my feet hurling textas all over the floor. How the hell am I going to cope with a newborn and this boy of mine? I bet the next kid will be a boy too.
We took Leeara and my nephew to see Kung Fu Panda yesterday, that wasn't a bad movie. Although I seriously doubt I will go again, it cost us $49 just for the tickets, and then $23 for popcorn and drinks! $72 just to go to the bloody movies. Then of course you are looking at at least $20-$25 fuel to get there, and then we had maccas on the way home. It was a great day,but the tightarse in my is coming out, and I just think what a waste of over $100 for the day :(
I have a feeling I am in for a looooooooong day!
My son is about to be adopted out to the nearest silliest enough person who thinks he will eventually turn good.
He woke at 3am this morning, I put him in my bed. He woke at 4am this morning and was screaming and throwing tantrums. I'd like to know who told him 4am is an acceptable time to be throwing tantrums? I ended up losing my temper with him and turning the lights off and let him lay on the floor chucking a paddy. *grumble grumble*
Eventually he realised that I had gotten him a drink and he drank that and layed back down, but he bugger arsed around for ages, and here we are at 6:20am and he hasn't been back to sleep.
My God. I am so freakin' tired. He is not sitting at my feet hurling textas all over the floor. How the hell am I going to cope with a newborn and this boy of mine? I bet the next kid will be a boy too.
We took Leeara and my nephew to see Kung Fu Panda yesterday, that wasn't a bad movie. Although I seriously doubt I will go again, it cost us $49 just for the tickets, and then $23 for popcorn and drinks! $72 just to go to the bloody movies. Then of course you are looking at at least $20-$25 fuel to get there, and then we had maccas on the way home. It was a great day,but the tightarse in my is coming out, and I just think what a waste of over $100 for the day :(
I have a feeling I am in for a looooooooong day!
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Thanks everyone
I had a stack of washing. I'm the only person I know who can have every single chair in the loungeroom covered in clean washing. I suck at keeping up with the washing.
My cousin came to visit today, and we had a great chat about heaps of things, then all of a suddren she got all motivated and said let's clean up. So we did. Gawd that woman is ruthless, she threw out all me little precious bits of paper that have rooooly important things written on them, (but I just can't remember what that is at the moment). She helped me fold all the washing and get some of it put away, yes that's right I have an entire couch that is available for sitting! For those who know me, you either move the washing or sit on it!
Bless her.
I feel realllllly good today. I've had bugger all morning sickness today, and my sinus problem seems to have cleared. It's nice to have an apetite again! It's nice to be able to eat without a wave of nausea coming over me. Maybe my life is looking up? :)
Sally- Thanks for your comments about my pregnancy, I have suck mixed feelings about whether it is or isn't the right thing to do, what you said made me feel optimistic.
Amoir- Thank you for the email offer, I will take you up on that one day I'm sure.
You know it really is quite funny the amount of support I've drawn from this blog, I've suprised myself with the amount of people who left such supportive comments, that have ofton brought tears to my eyes. I've suprised myself in that I've swallowed my pride and opened my heart to the www, it can be such a daunting thing that is easily thrown up in your face.
So thank you too all you lovely people who've left me comments. I know I haven't replied to each of you, but I really do appreciate you taking the time to send me well wishes and other encouraging words. So despite thoughts on internet hugs, have a great big internet bear hug from me!
My cousin came to visit today, and we had a great chat about heaps of things, then all of a suddren she got all motivated and said let's clean up. So we did. Gawd that woman is ruthless, she threw out all me little precious bits of paper that have rooooly important things written on them, (but I just can't remember what that is at the moment). She helped me fold all the washing and get some of it put away, yes that's right I have an entire couch that is available for sitting! For those who know me, you either move the washing or sit on it!
Bless her.
I feel realllllly good today. I've had bugger all morning sickness today, and my sinus problem seems to have cleared. It's nice to have an apetite again! It's nice to be able to eat without a wave of nausea coming over me. Maybe my life is looking up? :)
Sally- Thanks for your comments about my pregnancy, I have suck mixed feelings about whether it is or isn't the right thing to do, what you said made me feel optimistic.
Amoir- Thank you for the email offer, I will take you up on that one day I'm sure.
You know it really is quite funny the amount of support I've drawn from this blog, I've suprised myself with the amount of people who left such supportive comments, that have ofton brought tears to my eyes. I've suprised myself in that I've swallowed my pride and opened my heart to the www, it can be such a daunting thing that is easily thrown up in your face.
So thank you too all you lovely people who've left me comments. I know I haven't replied to each of you, but I really do appreciate you taking the time to send me well wishes and other encouraging words. So despite thoughts on internet hugs, have a great big internet bear hug from me!
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