I feel so down and drained. I don't know why I had a fantastic day yesterday, I went to town with a few friends, went and had a massage, lazed about in the pool and in the hot spas, had a 3 hour lunch and went to a movie, so why do I feel so down?

Work is not what it is supposed to be. I'm now supposed to be working 2 days a week, but my kids are in daycare 4 days a week. If I let the spots go, they will be gone and I won't have any for uni next year. So do I keep those 2 days a week for another 3 months which means I drop my kids off 2 whole days a week and then come home alone? :O( That feels so wrong, that's what I'n doing now. And it feels WRONG. I want to study, At the moment I have to work, I know if I buckled down then we could afford for me not to work, in fact we only have a couple of things that need to be paid and then I wouldn't have to work, I want to study too, but uni is so far away, and 'm no good at distance ed, I can't get motivated. I am so fucking scared that my kids will start school and I will hate myself for not spending those first few years with them, when they should have been at home with ME, not being raised by someone else.

I've tried talking to C about it, but whilst he sympathises, I don't think he will ever understand just HOW I feel, he can't give me any answers, or work miracles, I just can't work out what the right thing to do is.
I should be looking after my kids shouldn't I? They are only babies for such a short time and I feel like I'm missing out on all the good stuff, and all I get at the end of the day is the crabbiness and the teatime, bedtime routine.

I must sound like a nutcase.