Everything doesn't seem so bad now that I have had a few beers! It's funny really because I didn't think that I would be able to drink beer after I had given up smoking because I tended to associate the two things, but I am coping just fine in fact I rarely even think about having a cigarette anymore!
I have decided that I am going to cut my daycare days back if I can't get extra work at the supermarket to pay the things I want to pay to feel comfortable with our financial status. If I cn get the work then I will work until February. I figure it's a short term goal for myself that I can work towards, and hopefully won't lose sight of what I am aiming for. Then in February I think I might give up work altogether so that I can study for 2 days a week, getting my arse organised so that I actually do some study of a night time and get through a few more units, although I do need to ring the careers adviser at the uni and make an appointment to help me sort out what it is I actually badly want to do, instead of having a few half hearted ideas.
Also between now and February, I need to work my arse off to get my body back into a decent physical condition so that we can TTC#3. We have also made the decision that after #3 I will not be returning to work, and I will not be going back on birth control until our family is complete. I think the aim is 4 more in 4 years ROFL! Hopefully I will be able to continue to slowly plod my way through my uni degree.

Amazing what a few beers will do eh? Sad really....

I feel so down and drained. I don't know why I had a fantastic day yesterday, I went to town with a few friends, went and had a massage, lazed about in the pool and in the hot spas, had a 3 hour lunch and went to a movie, so why do I feel so down?

Work is not what it is supposed to be. I'm now supposed to be working 2 days a week, but my kids are in daycare 4 days a week. If I let the spots go, they will be gone and I won't have any for uni next year. So do I keep those 2 days a week for another 3 months which means I drop my kids off 2 whole days a week and then come home alone? :O( That feels so wrong, that's what I'n doing now. And it feels WRONG. I want to study, At the moment I have to work, I know if I buckled down then we could afford for me not to work, in fact we only have a couple of things that need to be paid and then I wouldn't have to work, I want to study too, but uni is so far away, and 'm no good at distance ed, I can't get motivated. I am so fucking scared that my kids will start school and I will hate myself for not spending those first few years with them, when they should have been at home with ME, not being raised by someone else.

I've tried talking to C about it, but whilst he sympathises, I don't think he will ever understand just HOW I feel, he can't give me any answers, or work miracles, I just can't work out what the right thing to do is.
I should be looking after my kids shouldn't I? They are only babies for such a short time and I feel like I'm missing out on all the good stuff, and all I get at the end of the day is the crabbiness and the teatime, bedtime routine.

I must sound like a nutcase.

OK, so I'm tired, but that's nothing new. I never have anything new and out there to post.

I'm so proud of myself, this week I have been for 4, 3km walks. It's been so nice to get out of the house at 7:30 with a friend, that has been MY time, and I love it! It gives me 30 minutes each day to chill out and forget about whatever is going on in my chaotic life.

I cannot remember if I posted that when I went out last Friday night, I smoked myself stupid. They tasted like SHIT, I have no idea how I used to smoke all the time, I'm so glad that the temptation isn't there now! It must have been somewhere in the 4-6 week vicinity now since I officialy gave up.

You know, recent happenings in my extended family have really forced me to think hard lately. It's been 18 months since all the crap surrounding C's affair surfaced, some people in my family have managed to move on, not forgotten, just moved on, and some haven't. The only real lessons I've learnt from the entire thing are; Don't trust anyone, no matter who they are, no matter how close and how much you think you can trust them, NEVER give them the benefit of the doubt or your heart will be broken. And the other thing I learnt was NEVER tell people your problems, they will remember that shit in years to come about whoever you are bitching about, thus influencing their opinion of that person every time you talk about them, even if it's in a positive way.

Won't make those mistakes again I can assure you.

I am tired, and sunburnt and have terrible garlic breath.
It's not even 8:30, and my brain has turned to mush. It's been a big day.

I'm looking forward to Sunday, we are getting the kids photo's done by Clair Bremner, I've seen her website, it looks like she takes nice photos, I'm excited!

I'm so disheartened. I was all geared up for psych B in January summer school, only to discover today that it is only offered in Hobart, which is 700kms away :(

Something really bad could have happened today. How is it that I have been a parent for 4 god damn years, and I still make basic parenting mistakes?

I have just spent the last four hours cleaning my house, the kids are at daycare and the house looked like a tornado hit it so I had to get stuck into it. It seriously took me TWO hours to fold all the washing and put it away, TWO hours!
And so although the washing is caught up, the dishes are washed, the house is vacummed and the kitchen and loungeroom are clean, there is still so much to do. I have to tackle the bedrooms yet! I have to pick the kids up in an hour, I doubt I'll get the rooms done before then.
*sigh* I was going to take a photo but I was too embarassed!

I went out Friday night with a girl friend. Had heaps to drink, in fact I was so drunk I danced on the stage at the pub, and for those who know me, I have to be REALLY tanked to do that. I had an awesome night, it was so nice to get out of the house and spend time with friends, I caught up with a few old schoolmates. I danced till my shins and legs were sore actually, I have muscles that are hurting that I didn't even know I had!

Saturday night we went camping.Whatever you do, take a freakin' mattress. Sleeping on the doona on the ground with two young kids is NOT fun. It is also not fun when youngest child will not go to bed and has his own little tea party in the tent and cries and rolls around the tent for hours. Then to make it worse when we all went to bed he cried all night and rolled all around the tent, I think he had a belly ache, but I also wonder if camping was too much of an upset to his usual routine.
Anyway lesson learnt I guess, I will never go camping agian without something to sleep on, AND a toilet. My idea of a toilet is not hiking off into the bush with dunny roll under one arm and a shovel under the other!

Yesterday was spent outside in the veggie garden, it's almost finished. Half the veggies are planted, we just need to do a few finishing touches now. I will take pics later, and I'll also be back with a photo that me and Meg took when we went out Friday night.

I better go check my potatos, I'm making potato salad, garden salad and pan fried chicken breasts for tea tonight :) YUM!

I'm so tired

I feel so run down, so stressed and so tired. I feel really indecisive about every aspect of my life, have I done the right thing by going back to work? Have I done the right thing giving Craig another go? Can I go back to school? Should I have another baby? What if, what if, what if.
What should I study?

I get like this when I'm tired, I'm such a baby.

So annoyed

I am so tired of trying to run around of a morning and get organised and get these kids out the door by 8am. I know it's not that early but it's really starting to shit me off.
I try and get organised the night before, I get up at 6am for gods sake. Ky is up at 6am, and Ara doesn't surface until sometime after 7. But it doesn't matter what I do Ky is behind me fucking trashing everything, like when I'm in the shower he's pulling sutff out of the drawers in the bathroom, or carting other shit all over the house. He gets into everything, and it's not even 8am, and I'm a yelling screaming mess. I don't have the patience for this, yeah yeah that's what kids do, tell someone who cares.

Not to mention I'm that rushed and clearly disorganised that I'm not paying attention to what Ky's doing or what I've done, I was facing the cupboard and felt something on my bum, I turn around and Ky had grabbed a knife of the table and come and stabbed me in the arse with it. How the hell am I STILL doing stupid shit like this? I guess I should be thankful that it was me who got stabbed and he didn't take his own eye out.

Note to self; Get organised, buy pot to smoke in the mornings to chill out a bit.

Oh and pointing out the obvious as to why I'm here, the kids are running amok and the house is falling down around me, and I'm blissfully trying to ignore them feeling sorry for myself.
Must go, Ky has just stolen a banana out of their daycare bag.

*sigh* today better improve REAL soon.

My hair turned out okay.

Before
So I forgot to mention that I dyed my hair Sunday. It turned out okay, not as vibrant as I had hoped but at least it doesn't look awful, and I don't look like something that C dragged in off the street. I was thinking that I might get another dye in the same red and go over it, but maybe that will be pushing my already limited luck?

After

And Just a pic of the earrings C made me. A couple of years ago I decided to give jewelery making a whirl. I came home from work one night and C had been fiddly around with my stuff and made nicer earrings than me!