So today I feel....ok. Up until todays things have been all go, so I haven't really had a chance to think about anything, I've just been popping my pill and going on my not so merry way.
But today I am home with the kids with nothing planned, except a nice roast lunch, we could all do with a decent feed of veggies.
I feel very flushed in the face, and I have a strange headache in my head that makes me feel vague and not with it. My stomach is upset, and I keep running to the toilet.
The kids are driving me to the drink (well not really it is only 9am!) with their arguing. I think I might take them to visit a friend so they can get out of the house, the weather outside isn't looking promising.
Looks like theres hope for me after all, I'm only on day 6 and I can see a tiny light at the end of the tunnel.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
Day 3 of the happy pills
Okay, so today is day 3 on the happy pills. I have been less tearful, but truth be told, we've done some major renovations to this house in the last two days so I haven't had any time to feel sad. Next time we get the bright idea to knock out a wall that needs 2 major support beams to keep the roof over our head, please smack me upside the head. Waking up at 6am to powertools all over the floor is not my idea of fun. Oh and to the moron who built my house and thought that insulating it with little foam balls was a good idea, YOU ARE A MORON!
So here's the dirt on the heavy stuff:
I don't feel so heavy and bogged down, I don't have that lingering headache that I've been too afraid to take panadol to cure. Not that I don't trust myself, it's just that the thought of taking pills my body is rejecting with a strong gag reflex. Oh and the physical ill that I felt hours after taking the panadol is still fresh in my mind.
I feel a bit calmer, and a bit less sad.
I am hoping and praying that the anti depressants work, whoever knew that depression could be so debilitating? Although I must admit that I resent the fact that I'm going to rely on pills to make me happy. But I'll deal with that later, first obstacle is regaining some control of my brain and regulating my thoughts. Doing this it should help me put an end to the pain I'm feeling, but in a manner that keeps me alive.
So here's the dirt on the heavy stuff:
I don't feel so heavy and bogged down, I don't have that lingering headache that I've been too afraid to take panadol to cure. Not that I don't trust myself, it's just that the thought of taking pills my body is rejecting with a strong gag reflex. Oh and the physical ill that I felt hours after taking the panadol is still fresh in my mind.
I feel a bit calmer, and a bit less sad.
I am hoping and praying that the anti depressants work, whoever knew that depression could be so debilitating? Although I must admit that I resent the fact that I'm going to rely on pills to make me happy. But I'll deal with that later, first obstacle is regaining some control of my brain and regulating my thoughts. Doing this it should help me put an end to the pain I'm feeling, but in a manner that keeps me alive.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Reflections of hard times
For the record. I am writing this so that I can look back and reflect on what I went through. This is not a plea for help, nor am I seeking attention or sympathy, I am writing ths as part of the recovery process. I feel it's important that I write this while I still feel dysfunctional so that in a few weeks time when I am thinking 'Maybe I just made all that up' I can look back and know that I felt WAS real. I am writing this so that if I ever start to feel so low again that I can look back on what I've written and idenfity with myself that things are getting bad, and send Craig the signals he needs, so that he can get me the help I need but cannot ask for. This is a painful thing to write, it's hard to admit when you need help, and so if it appears jumbled that's because my thought process is jumbled.
I haven't updated since last Tuesday after I made that last post. Looking at it now I can see how desperate I was feeling. I was just hanging out until I could see my Dr. I knew that once I had seen her that I would be able to think clearly again. Instead somehow I fucked up my appt time at missed it by 30 minutes. And although I told them it was urgent that I see her, and that I was desperate they still refused me. I sent Craig in, I couldn't handle another rejection, they refused him too despite him saying to the receptionist that I really badly needed to see GP because I was depressed.
From that point on, things when from bad to worst. I felt like no one cared, no one understood and no one wanted to understand. I felt angry at Craig because he should KNOW that I desperately needed help and that he should have fucking done something about i, I felt like he'd let me down. I felt angry because I felt that secretly my GP and the receptionist girls thought I was making it up and that I'd get over it. Of course looking back now, Craig didn't know how bad things had turned, he had no idea I'd gone so far. And of course the receptionists didn't know either.
Circumstances changed and I drove Craigs car home, and he took the van and took a mate home. I came home, went to the toilet and put wood on the fire. My SIL rang to tell me I could go and stay with her if I needed some time out, I think she was secretly trying to make sure I was okay because she knew Craig had taken J home. I hung up, looked online for a friend to talk to as a distraction. No one was online so I wrote Craig a short letter
I love you guys
It's not your fault
It's better this way
Ara- You are my princess who I never gave what you deserved
Frog- You are going to grow up into an awesome young man
Craig- You are a great guy who deserves so much better <3
Theb I took 20 panadol I had planned on taking the whole packet of 100 but I couldn't take anymore because they weren't caplet ones and they were hard to swallow, and all the water I needed to swallow them was making me feel bloated and swishy. I went to lay down, I wanted to rest, I wanted to sleep, I wanted the pain to stop. I had an appointment booked with my GP for the 27th of May and I couldn't bear the thought of having to carry on feeling like this for another 3 weeks to get the help that I knew I so desperately needed.
Then the phone rang. I was cross, because I was just starting to get all warm and dozy in bed. It was my GP, my SIL had been concerned about me, and rang and demanded to talk with my GP who in turn rang me immidiately.
We talked for a while, but I was tired and not feeling like talking. I couldn't bear to tell her that I'd taken panadol, i didn't want her to know, I didn't want her to panic, I just wanted her to leave me be so I could go to sleep before Craig got home. She asked me if I'd taken anything and I said just some panadol. Craig arrived and I gave him the phone, he found out what had happened and what he had to do now. He yelled at me to get out of bed, and dragged me up from the bed telling me to get in the fucking car and why did I fucking do that. I bawled and bawled. I felt terrible but he was making me feel so much worse. In hindsight I can see that he was angry at himself for letting me come home alone, and he was yelling at me because he was scared.
We met his Mum halfway and swapped cars and went straight to the GP's office. She came out to meet me and sent us up to the hospital to get some charcol and some maxalon.
Then we drove the hour trip to the city hospital to get my panadol levels checked. We spent 7 hours in the emergency ward waiting on blood test results with me falling in and out of sleep and feeling veyr nauseas. I vomited a couple of times. I was hooked up to machines to check my heart rate. Thankfully the blood tests came back okay, I hadn't fucked my liver. (Who knew that panadol could fuck your liver, then shut it down and then you die?)
Then I had to see the mental health team before I was released. They were two lovely ladies who didn't make me feel worse than I already did. I felt terrible for putting Craig through that, he was genuinely scared. I felt physically ill from the effects of the panadol. I was mentally exhausted from 3 days worth of depression build up and hours of crying. The mental health team assessed me as okay to come home. Our rural GP on call was unhappy with this diagnosis but this meant nothing I was still able to come home. I knew that my GP had wanted to admit me to the local hospital for some R&R but I didn't know what I was supposed to do about it. So we arrived home at midnight. My MIL was here, and Ky woke at 5:30.
I was lost for the next two days. I didn't feel so low but I still felt out of sorts. It felt wrong to be at home with my kids. I didn't feel that I was up to looking after them. I took 2 days off work, and then had a few days rostered off. I had expected that my doctor would call me, but she didn't, I still feel disappointed about that.
Wednesday afternoon, a psych rang me I have an appt with her Wednesday. We had a good chat, but everything felt so surreal, was it really just 12 hours ago that I was in the hospital attached to a million different machines? Thursday I got Craig to make an appointment with my GP for Friday. I went to see her, and Craig came with me, thank god for him being so supportive. He offered to come with me so that he can know what's going on inside my head that I can't even talk to him about, it's not that I don't want to, it's because I literally can't. He's offered to come to the next few appointments too so that he can be up to speed with what's going on, it will also give him a good insight as to what signs to look for when I need help. I know now that he will stick up for me when I need help but can't ask for it. My GP thinks that a combinatoin of how I was treated(by the same receptionists) with my early miscarriage coupled with the miscarriage itself has sent my hormones out of whack, amongst other things of course. I can't really remember what we talked about for that hour. I remember her apoligising for the receptionists behaviour and promising me that it wouldn't happen again. I remember her saying that had she known I was in trouble and needed her to bad she would have been there to help me in an instant. I remember the 3 of us talking about devising a plan to send Craig the signals to get me help without me having to come out and say "Hey I'm feeling suicidal again" I remember her telling me that she was really worried about me and on the fax she sent through to the ER has had recomended that I be commited to ward 1E. She told me that when she came out to the car park to see me she was really worried because when she'd told me that she had to send me through to town I hadn't argued, and she could see in me that I just didn't care and didn't have any energy left in me to fight.
That's all I can write for now, I still feel mentally exhausted, not to mention confused, anti social, and pretty much lacking in the life department. I don't feel like cleaning, and I don't have much energy to look after the kids right now. I guess I can only hope that this doesn't last too long.
I haven't updated since last Tuesday after I made that last post. Looking at it now I can see how desperate I was feeling. I was just hanging out until I could see my Dr. I knew that once I had seen her that I would be able to think clearly again. Instead somehow I fucked up my appt time at missed it by 30 minutes. And although I told them it was urgent that I see her, and that I was desperate they still refused me. I sent Craig in, I couldn't handle another rejection, they refused him too despite him saying to the receptionist that I really badly needed to see GP because I was depressed.
From that point on, things when from bad to worst. I felt like no one cared, no one understood and no one wanted to understand. I felt angry at Craig because he should KNOW that I desperately needed help and that he should have fucking done something about i, I felt like he'd let me down. I felt angry because I felt that secretly my GP and the receptionist girls thought I was making it up and that I'd get over it. Of course looking back now, Craig didn't know how bad things had turned, he had no idea I'd gone so far. And of course the receptionists didn't know either.
Circumstances changed and I drove Craigs car home, and he took the van and took a mate home. I came home, went to the toilet and put wood on the fire. My SIL rang to tell me I could go and stay with her if I needed some time out, I think she was secretly trying to make sure I was okay because she knew Craig had taken J home. I hung up, looked online for a friend to talk to as a distraction. No one was online so I wrote Craig a short letter
I love you guys
It's not your fault
It's better this way
Ara- You are my princess who I never gave what you deserved
Frog- You are going to grow up into an awesome young man
Craig- You are a great guy who deserves so much better <3
Theb I took 20 panadol I had planned on taking the whole packet of 100 but I couldn't take anymore because they weren't caplet ones and they were hard to swallow, and all the water I needed to swallow them was making me feel bloated and swishy. I went to lay down, I wanted to rest, I wanted to sleep, I wanted the pain to stop. I had an appointment booked with my GP for the 27th of May and I couldn't bear the thought of having to carry on feeling like this for another 3 weeks to get the help that I knew I so desperately needed.
Then the phone rang. I was cross, because I was just starting to get all warm and dozy in bed. It was my GP, my SIL had been concerned about me, and rang and demanded to talk with my GP who in turn rang me immidiately.
We talked for a while, but I was tired and not feeling like talking. I couldn't bear to tell her that I'd taken panadol, i didn't want her to know, I didn't want her to panic, I just wanted her to leave me be so I could go to sleep before Craig got home. She asked me if I'd taken anything and I said just some panadol. Craig arrived and I gave him the phone, he found out what had happened and what he had to do now. He yelled at me to get out of bed, and dragged me up from the bed telling me to get in the fucking car and why did I fucking do that. I bawled and bawled. I felt terrible but he was making me feel so much worse. In hindsight I can see that he was angry at himself for letting me come home alone, and he was yelling at me because he was scared.
We met his Mum halfway and swapped cars and went straight to the GP's office. She came out to meet me and sent us up to the hospital to get some charcol and some maxalon.
Then we drove the hour trip to the city hospital to get my panadol levels checked. We spent 7 hours in the emergency ward waiting on blood test results with me falling in and out of sleep and feeling veyr nauseas. I vomited a couple of times. I was hooked up to machines to check my heart rate. Thankfully the blood tests came back okay, I hadn't fucked my liver. (Who knew that panadol could fuck your liver, then shut it down and then you die?)
Then I had to see the mental health team before I was released. They were two lovely ladies who didn't make me feel worse than I already did. I felt terrible for putting Craig through that, he was genuinely scared. I felt physically ill from the effects of the panadol. I was mentally exhausted from 3 days worth of depression build up and hours of crying. The mental health team assessed me as okay to come home. Our rural GP on call was unhappy with this diagnosis but this meant nothing I was still able to come home. I knew that my GP had wanted to admit me to the local hospital for some R&R but I didn't know what I was supposed to do about it. So we arrived home at midnight. My MIL was here, and Ky woke at 5:30.
I was lost for the next two days. I didn't feel so low but I still felt out of sorts. It felt wrong to be at home with my kids. I didn't feel that I was up to looking after them. I took 2 days off work, and then had a few days rostered off. I had expected that my doctor would call me, but she didn't, I still feel disappointed about that.
Wednesday afternoon, a psych rang me I have an appt with her Wednesday. We had a good chat, but everything felt so surreal, was it really just 12 hours ago that I was in the hospital attached to a million different machines? Thursday I got Craig to make an appointment with my GP for Friday. I went to see her, and Craig came with me, thank god for him being so supportive. He offered to come with me so that he can know what's going on inside my head that I can't even talk to him about, it's not that I don't want to, it's because I literally can't. He's offered to come to the next few appointments too so that he can be up to speed with what's going on, it will also give him a good insight as to what signs to look for when I need help. I know now that he will stick up for me when I need help but can't ask for it. My GP thinks that a combinatoin of how I was treated(by the same receptionists) with my early miscarriage coupled with the miscarriage itself has sent my hormones out of whack, amongst other things of course. I can't really remember what we talked about for that hour. I remember her apoligising for the receptionists behaviour and promising me that it wouldn't happen again. I remember her saying that had she known I was in trouble and needed her to bad she would have been there to help me in an instant. I remember the 3 of us talking about devising a plan to send Craig the signals to get me help without me having to come out and say "Hey I'm feeling suicidal again" I remember her telling me that she was really worried about me and on the fax she sent through to the ER has had recomended that I be commited to ward 1E. She told me that when she came out to the car park to see me she was really worried because when she'd told me that she had to send me through to town I hadn't argued, and she could see in me that I just didn't care and didn't have any energy left in me to fight.
That's all I can write for now, I still feel mentally exhausted, not to mention confused, anti social, and pretty much lacking in the life department. I don't feel like cleaning, and I don't have much energy to look after the kids right now. I guess I can only hope that this doesn't last too long.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Welcome Back
And what a happy welcome back to me this will be.
I hate myself, and everything I do. I hate the parent I am, I hate the pessimistic whinger that I am. I hate my physical self, I hate the friend that I am, and I hate the girlfriend that I am. So to sum it all up I hate myself entirely.
I hate my indecisiveness, and inability to make a decision and stick to it. I hate my lack of patience, I hate my inability to keep the house clean, I hate the fact that I am a yelling smacking type of Mother, yes I said it, I yell and on occasion smack. I hate that, FUCKING hate that.
I hate that Craig doesn't understand WHY I don't feel like looking after my kids at the moment. He doesn't understand that they are better off without me, he would do a much better job raising them on his own, than with me as their mother.
I hate the fact that I have flunked out of study again. I hate the fact that I work a dead end brain numbing job. I hate the fact that my house desperately needs work inside and out I don't have the motivation to do it. I hate the fact that I still FEEL like a size 12, but have the agility of an elephant, and it's not until I try to move (RE sport) or walk past a mirror or reflective window that I actually see what my body really looks like, and it repulses and sickens me.
I hate the fact that cutting makes me feels good, and I fucking resent Craig telling me he will leave me next time I do it. Not only will it not stop me doing it, but at least if he left with the kids they'd all have a better life.
I hate myself, and everything I do. I hate the parent I am, I hate the pessimistic whinger that I am. I hate my physical self, I hate the friend that I am, and I hate the girlfriend that I am. So to sum it all up I hate myself entirely.
I hate my indecisiveness, and inability to make a decision and stick to it. I hate my lack of patience, I hate my inability to keep the house clean, I hate the fact that I am a yelling smacking type of Mother, yes I said it, I yell and on occasion smack. I hate that, FUCKING hate that.
I hate that Craig doesn't understand WHY I don't feel like looking after my kids at the moment. He doesn't understand that they are better off without me, he would do a much better job raising them on his own, than with me as their mother.
I hate the fact that I have flunked out of study again. I hate the fact that I work a dead end brain numbing job. I hate the fact that my house desperately needs work inside and out I don't have the motivation to do it. I hate the fact that I still FEEL like a size 12, but have the agility of an elephant, and it's not until I try to move (RE sport) or walk past a mirror or reflective window that I actually see what my body really looks like, and it repulses and sickens me.
I hate the fact that cutting makes me feels good, and I fucking resent Craig telling me he will leave me next time I do it. Not only will it not stop me doing it, but at least if he left with the kids they'd all have a better life.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Something I have been pondering for a while
I filled our tarago up today. It cost me $92 people. $92 bloody dollars. The car payment for the bloody thing is only $95 a week! A full tank of fuel will be lucky to last me a week, and I wouldn't say I do any excess driving. I drive to work and back (25kms each way) up to 4 times a week, and to netball training (40kms each way) and netball (40-50kms each way) a week. Every now and then we might make a trip to visit a friend or go to the city (200 kms return trip)
So with that said, I am wondering if we should be seriously considering moving to the town we work in (20 minutes away) to reduce fuel costs and car costs. We HAVE to have one car, Craig drives for a living so there is no avoiding that. But having two lots of car costs is shaping up to a VERY expensive gig. I would estimate it costs us anywhere between $150-200 a week to run both cars (maitenance included) luckily we do have an allowance for Craigs car but to keep a long story short and as uncomplicated as possible, we would have more $$ if we had less running costs.
But we have a small 72K mortgage. Our house needs work, and lots of it, and we live in an area where you could overcapitalise pretty easily, but if we had 30-40K to spend on the place we would probably get our money back.
So my dilemma is this. Do we move to the town we work in? But increase our mortgage by double at least or double and a bit? But then we both work in the same town, cut out commuting time, and travelling costs (would still have to travel to netball) But at least then we could walk anywhere in the town we needed too. Doctors, chemist, playgroups, kinder, etc? I have access to playgroup in the town I live in, and that's about it. We have a pub, a post office, a butcher, and a shop, and a school(primary only), oh and believe it or not, an art gallery LOL!
Do we do it now before fuel prices absolutely sky rocket AND before houses skyrocket more than they already have?
We have lived in this town before and we were a little unhappy, although I think that was because of the house we were living in, and the landlords we had. If it was our own house maybe it would have been different?
Has anyone got any suggestions to help poor indecisive me out? Please?
So with that said, I am wondering if we should be seriously considering moving to the town we work in (20 minutes away) to reduce fuel costs and car costs. We HAVE to have one car, Craig drives for a living so there is no avoiding that. But having two lots of car costs is shaping up to a VERY expensive gig. I would estimate it costs us anywhere between $150-200 a week to run both cars (maitenance included) luckily we do have an allowance for Craigs car but to keep a long story short and as uncomplicated as possible, we would have more $$ if we had less running costs.
But we have a small 72K mortgage. Our house needs work, and lots of it, and we live in an area where you could overcapitalise pretty easily, but if we had 30-40K to spend on the place we would probably get our money back.
So my dilemma is this. Do we move to the town we work in? But increase our mortgage by double at least or double and a bit? But then we both work in the same town, cut out commuting time, and travelling costs (would still have to travel to netball) But at least then we could walk anywhere in the town we needed too. Doctors, chemist, playgroups, kinder, etc? I have access to playgroup in the town I live in, and that's about it. We have a pub, a post office, a butcher, and a shop, and a school(primary only), oh and believe it or not, an art gallery LOL!
Do we do it now before fuel prices absolutely sky rocket AND before houses skyrocket more than they already have?
We have lived in this town before and we were a little unhappy, although I think that was because of the house we were living in, and the landlords we had. If it was our own house maybe it would have been different?
Has anyone got any suggestions to help poor indecisive me out? Please?
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Building a garden with a purpose?
So today we got in and dug up the weed patch. Yes it was a veggie patch at some point, and we do still have yellow zucchinis growing in there, AND some pumpkins!.
Now we just need to get some seedlings to plan. I really want to get some of the diggers seedlings, the heirloom variety. I am so not interested in buying the ones that have been modified so that they only can grow once, and you can't save any seeds, what a joke!
Also in Tassie, this time of year you can't grow a hell of a lot. It seems we can plant onions, broccoli, cauliflower, and cabbage. We already have more silverbeet than you can poke a stick at, but I really don't know what to do with it all? We worked so hard I have blister on my hand. (Either I'm overworked, or I'm precious, I tend to think the latter!)
I only have to work 15 hours this week, so I should be able to get out in the garden a fair bit and turn it into something special. See we have never had a garden. And to be honest I'm not really into 'pretty' gardens, they have to have a purpose, I don't see the point in having a heap of pretty roses, when all they do is please your aesthetics, I need a garden that will feed us, will nourish us. There are a few plants I am going to have to grow. Boronia and Jasmine for a start, they just have the nicest scents, and make me feel all happy and hippy when I smell them.
So if anyone has any idea of how to plant a garden (not veggie garden) that serves a purpose, AND looks nice, I'd be greatful to hear about it.
Now we just need to get some seedlings to plan. I really want to get some of the diggers seedlings, the heirloom variety. I am so not interested in buying the ones that have been modified so that they only can grow once, and you can't save any seeds, what a joke!
Also in Tassie, this time of year you can't grow a hell of a lot. It seems we can plant onions, broccoli, cauliflower, and cabbage. We already have more silverbeet than you can poke a stick at, but I really don't know what to do with it all? We worked so hard I have blister on my hand. (Either I'm overworked, or I'm precious, I tend to think the latter!)
I only have to work 15 hours this week, so I should be able to get out in the garden a fair bit and turn it into something special. See we have never had a garden. And to be honest I'm not really into 'pretty' gardens, they have to have a purpose, I don't see the point in having a heap of pretty roses, when all they do is please your aesthetics, I need a garden that will feed us, will nourish us. There are a few plants I am going to have to grow. Boronia and Jasmine for a start, they just have the nicest scents, and make me feel all happy and hippy when I smell them.
So if anyone has any idea of how to plant a garden (not veggie garden) that serves a purpose, AND looks nice, I'd be greatful to hear about it.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Commit to 3 things
Discussions on peak pil and food shortages have had me thinking for the last few days. When will it happen? Will it just creep up on us or will be see it coming? Will our everyday food items become so expensive that they will be out of our reach and not within our budget? Will we begin to see staples like potato as a necessary to fill our empty bellies?
As each day passes I feel more and more committed to doing something longterm both for my family and the environment. So I am going to set myself 3 goals
1) Buy second hand more, and where possible. Pretty self explanatory really, you can ofton pick up great bargains when you shop around second hand.
2) Grow more of our own food. Again self explanatory. It's not that hard to whack a few seeds in the ground and water them.
3) Put more thought into purchases, both big and small. Large purchases I will endeavour to make them as environmentally friendly as possible. Smaller ones I will aim to make them second hand. I will think twice about spending money on what could otherwise be thought of as a 'live saving gadget' (You know, they type you JUST HAVE TO HAVE!)
So I challenge you, set your own 3 goals in an effort to preserve the environment. They don't have to be something major, just small things, but by bit, if we all commit it WILL make a difference :O)
As each day passes I feel more and more committed to doing something longterm both for my family and the environment. So I am going to set myself 3 goals
1) Buy second hand more, and where possible. Pretty self explanatory really, you can ofton pick up great bargains when you shop around second hand.
2) Grow more of our own food. Again self explanatory. It's not that hard to whack a few seeds in the ground and water them.
3) Put more thought into purchases, both big and small. Large purchases I will endeavour to make them as environmentally friendly as possible. Smaller ones I will aim to make them second hand. I will think twice about spending money on what could otherwise be thought of as a 'live saving gadget' (You know, they type you JUST HAVE TO HAVE!)
So I challenge you, set your own 3 goals in an effort to preserve the environment. They don't have to be something major, just small things, but by bit, if we all commit it WILL make a difference :O)
Friday, April 18, 2008
Chemical Pregnancy
I'm not pregnant, it was a chemical pregnancy.
I'm devastated, I felt pregnant, I hate TWO fucking tests tell me I was pregnant. i couldn't keep a secret and told people I was pregnant, and now I have to go and untell people. I feel like such a fucking dumbarse.
If I ever get pregnant again, I'm not telling anyone until I have a baby coming out of my vagina. Truth be told, I don't know if I can keep doing this. One early loss is devastating, I don't know if I could handle any more.
I'm so sad, and I am so numbing that pain with alcohol tonight,
I'm devastated, I felt pregnant, I hate TWO fucking tests tell me I was pregnant. i couldn't keep a secret and told people I was pregnant, and now I have to go and untell people. I feel like such a fucking dumbarse.
If I ever get pregnant again, I'm not telling anyone until I have a baby coming out of my vagina. Truth be told, I don't know if I can keep doing this. One early loss is devastating, I don't know if I could handle any more.
I'm so sad, and I am so numbing that pain with alcohol tonight,
Reflections of the last week
Things I can reflect on from the last week without a computer.
-Keep computer closed, son climbing on computer and wee'ing on it, is a very expensive $175 exercise. One that I do NOT want to participate in again.
-Getting a positive pregnancy test brought the biggest smile to my face for a whole week. Fancy being so blessed to fall pregnant within two months when you have PCOS.
-Starting to bleed Wednesday night. I never would have thought having an early miscarriage could be so fucking devastating. I feel fiercely protective of my baby, I want to keep you dammit, and heaven help anyone who calls it a foetus. It's in MY body therefore I'll call it what I want, and I reserve the right to break your nose if you call it otherwise.
-Waiting for HCG results sucks. Fancy having to wait two freakin days to find out if your pregnancy is still viable. Fuck I hate that word its so clinical and cold. I get the first results today, not that they will tell me much.
-Feeling like your gut feeling was right. Since before I got pregnant I had a bad feeling about this pregnancy, I didn't feel like it would have a positive outcome. I'm not holding onto much hope at the moment I must admit.
-Life without the computer for a week was pretty damn good. Can you believe I had withdrawels? I read a couple of good books (yes in a WEEK!) and feel all inspired and shit to do something with my life.
-Discovering (sort of) what peak oil is all about. Can we say HOLY SHIT BATMAN. I had never considered that oil was in so many of our everyday items. How are we going to cope without it? And why the hell are major coroporations allowed to rape our environment of its natural resources? Why why why do people take the ostrich approach? Why the heck aren't people interested in growing their own food and preserving the environment. Yes I am a hypocrite because we don't grow a lot, so fucking shoot me. I'm working on it.
-Remembering what it's like for me to be so indecisive. Two weeks ago we looked at a block up the bush, 16 acres of rainforest, with 2 cleared acres for offers over 50K. Sounded great until we realised we could only borrow 120K to build with. I don't think 120K is going to build us much, especially when the land needs to be levelled and yadda yadda.
Then not a week later we are looking at a house in 'the city' (far from it, but the cloest to the city out here) and we put in an offer that got rejected. The idea was that with fuel prices rising, it owuld be a good idea to be close to work, and all other amenities.
And well, now I have no bloody idea what I want to do. I change my mind daily, sometimes hourly, and always come up with these great plans, until I realise for some reason why they won't work out.
What the heck do I do next?
-Keep computer closed, son climbing on computer and wee'ing on it, is a very expensive $175 exercise. One that I do NOT want to participate in again.
-Getting a positive pregnancy test brought the biggest smile to my face for a whole week. Fancy being so blessed to fall pregnant within two months when you have PCOS.
-Starting to bleed Wednesday night. I never would have thought having an early miscarriage could be so fucking devastating. I feel fiercely protective of my baby, I want to keep you dammit, and heaven help anyone who calls it a foetus. It's in MY body therefore I'll call it what I want, and I reserve the right to break your nose if you call it otherwise.
-Waiting for HCG results sucks. Fancy having to wait two freakin days to find out if your pregnancy is still viable. Fuck I hate that word its so clinical and cold. I get the first results today, not that they will tell me much.
-Feeling like your gut feeling was right. Since before I got pregnant I had a bad feeling about this pregnancy, I didn't feel like it would have a positive outcome. I'm not holding onto much hope at the moment I must admit.
-Life without the computer for a week was pretty damn good. Can you believe I had withdrawels? I read a couple of good books (yes in a WEEK!) and feel all inspired and shit to do something with my life.
-Discovering (sort of) what peak oil is all about. Can we say HOLY SHIT BATMAN. I had never considered that oil was in so many of our everyday items. How are we going to cope without it? And why the hell are major coroporations allowed to rape our environment of its natural resources? Why why why do people take the ostrich approach? Why the heck aren't people interested in growing their own food and preserving the environment. Yes I am a hypocrite because we don't grow a lot, so fucking shoot me. I'm working on it.
-Remembering what it's like for me to be so indecisive. Two weeks ago we looked at a block up the bush, 16 acres of rainforest, with 2 cleared acres for offers over 50K. Sounded great until we realised we could only borrow 120K to build with. I don't think 120K is going to build us much, especially when the land needs to be levelled and yadda yadda.
Then not a week later we are looking at a house in 'the city' (far from it, but the cloest to the city out here) and we put in an offer that got rejected. The idea was that with fuel prices rising, it owuld be a good idea to be close to work, and all other amenities.
And well, now I have no bloody idea what I want to do. I change my mind daily, sometimes hourly, and always come up with these great plans, until I realise for some reason why they won't work out.
What the heck do I do next?
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Things I have realised
Things that I have learnt or realised this week.
(Today) I am missing out on my kids life. Something has to give, at the moment it's study. I'm deferring on Monday.
(Earlier this week) Just because spawn of the devil is 18 months old doesn't mean he will sleep through the night. And don't think that clinging onto age milestones helps. It doesn't.
That you learn to function on broken sleep, you don't get used to it.
That I am damn proud of me and Craig for not having killed each other due to the stress devil spawn has put on our relationship.
That stacking grocery shelves really sucks and is a mental drain on my few remaining brain cells.
That being a parent isn't as fun as it looks in the movies.
That money sucks, and as soon as we get our shit together I'm not working OR studying. I am going to be a SAHM and enjoy my kids before they are boisterous teenagers and I cannot remember a single thing about their childhood.
ALthough I do realise being a SAHM will bore me to tears, but it will be nice to have play dates, and be able to go to playgroup, and do some cooking and have some actual leisure time. My life feels like it's ALWAYS on fast forward and that sucks.
That I LOVE my new front loader Miele. Yes I paid $2000 for a washing machine, but the thing it so awesome I could breed with it! It uses like 52 litres of water instead of the 122 my old one uses. Can we say WOW. Can you imagine the difference that is going to make to our water usage?
That living in the fast lane isn't for me. I need to knock my life back to simple. Those changes are starting now. They will be small, so small an outsider wouldn't notice them, but I think they will make me happy.
(Today) I am missing out on my kids life. Something has to give, at the moment it's study. I'm deferring on Monday.
(Earlier this week) Just because spawn of the devil is 18 months old doesn't mean he will sleep through the night. And don't think that clinging onto age milestones helps. It doesn't.
That you learn to function on broken sleep, you don't get used to it.
That I am damn proud of me and Craig for not having killed each other due to the stress devil spawn has put on our relationship.
That stacking grocery shelves really sucks and is a mental drain on my few remaining brain cells.
That being a parent isn't as fun as it looks in the movies.
That money sucks, and as soon as we get our shit together I'm not working OR studying. I am going to be a SAHM and enjoy my kids before they are boisterous teenagers and I cannot remember a single thing about their childhood.
ALthough I do realise being a SAHM will bore me to tears, but it will be nice to have play dates, and be able to go to playgroup, and do some cooking and have some actual leisure time. My life feels like it's ALWAYS on fast forward and that sucks.
That I LOVE my new front loader Miele. Yes I paid $2000 for a washing machine, but the thing it so awesome I could breed with it! It uses like 52 litres of water instead of the 122 my old one uses. Can we say WOW. Can you imagine the difference that is going to make to our water usage?
That living in the fast lane isn't for me. I need to knock my life back to simple. Those changes are starting now. They will be small, so small an outsider wouldn't notice them, but I think they will make me happy.
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