And what a happy welcome back to me this will be.
I hate myself, and everything I do. I hate the parent I am, I hate the pessimistic whinger that I am. I hate my physical self, I hate the friend that I am, and I hate the girlfriend that I am. So to sum it all up I hate myself entirely.
I hate my indecisiveness, and inability to make a decision and stick to it. I hate my lack of patience, I hate my inability to keep the house clean, I hate the fact that I am a yelling smacking type of Mother, yes I said it, I yell and on occasion smack. I hate that, FUCKING hate that.
I hate that Craig doesn't understand WHY I don't feel like looking after my kids at the moment. He doesn't understand that they are better off without me, he would do a much better job raising them on his own, than with me as their mother.
I hate the fact that I have flunked out of study again. I hate the fact that I work a dead end brain numbing job. I hate the fact that my house desperately needs work inside and out I don't have the motivation to do it. I hate the fact that I still FEEL like a size 12, but have the agility of an elephant, and it's not until I try to move (RE sport) or walk past a mirror or reflective window that I actually see what my body really looks like, and it repulses and sickens me.
I hate the fact that cutting makes me feels good, and I fucking resent Craig telling me he will leave me next time I do it. Not only will it not stop me doing it, but at least if he left with the kids they'd all have a better life.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
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2 comments:
You can tell yourself that, Amberlee. But they wouldn't. They aren't better off without you.
Without you, they aren't the children they were meant to be. They don't get the life they were born to have.
They become motherless children. Different people than they could be. They need you. You need them. They are your reason to stop. If nothing else, stop because you don't want them to do this. You don't want them to know this.
I'm thinking of you. Honestly. If you want to talk (for what it's worth), I'm here. PM me on EB. Catch me at my email - joelmelissam97@hotmail.com is the easiest place to find me.
But don't do this. Don't lie to yourself and convince yourself that they're better off without you. They aren't. Noone, noone can love them the way their mother can.
Hey there chicky. Just popping in to see how you are today. Huge hugs for you. You're stong hon and you can do this, you can get through this.
I'll catch you on MSN soon hopefully :)
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